Sunday, October 26, 2014

My breath of fresh air

I'm currently on a plane flying back from a visit with one of best friends and her husband. For some reason I have been very sensitive on this trip, maybe because it was so needed. In my "extensive travels" I have made a few observations I would like to share. 

Traveling allows you a great opportunity to observe people. Two observations stood out to me on this trip. First, there was the most darling old man sitting in front of us on the flight out. He was so darling about having coffee to dip his cookies in. I don't know why, but this made me smile so much! The second cute old man was in church on Sunday. I'm a mormon, and in our church members pass our weekly sacrament. This man fulfilled this sacred, but somewhat routine ordinance with such profound respect. He gently lowered the tray to the first person sitting on the pew, placing his other hand under the tray for support. This simple gesture warmed my heart. 

This coupled with the opportunity to basically just serve my sweet friend this entire trip was exactly what I needed! Lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed, and useless! Things are constantly out of my ability to fix, and constantly negative. I feel so grateful that I have had this blessing to just step back for a minute. 

So now as I fly over the beautiful San Francisco Bay I feel so loved. The amazing view outside my window sincerely takes my breath away. The lord loves me, andore importantly, loves those that I love. He will take care of all his children! I am so blessed!

Saturday, September 13, 2014

He never moves

The other day I was chatting with my bishop, expressing how I feel more inadequate, and distant from my savior than I have ever felt in my life. He asked me the question "do you have the spirit of The Lord in your life?" I instantly answered YES! I was almost shocked to even consider that His spirit wouldn't be in my life. 

While my life is nowhere near where I want it to be, and I feel that The Lord is leaving me to my own devices when it  comes to revelation for myself, he has not left. I am distant because I am bitter and frustrated. I'm almost mad at the current mess I find myself in, with no clear solution or respite, but still, he has not left! 

Daily, I find myself blessed by small and simple things that let me know he loves me. People around, who realize that I am just doing my best, blessing me with love. Small acts of service that make me recognize he is aware of my needs, and amazing beauties all around me. 

I guess bottomline, I'm not completely happy right now, but only I can close the gap that I have created between me and my savior. He still loves me deeply, even though things are not where I want them to be, and I am not who I want me to be. Regardless, I am blessed. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Not there yet, failing everyday, but trying

My brain has been a crazy mess lately. There are things on my plate that I just don't know how to deal with. I was texting my sweet mommy. In response I relplied with the title of this post. 

I am petrified of failing, but i do it daily. Lately I have been faced full force with one of my largest weaknesses. It hurts to feel myself uncontrollably forgetting every ounce of personal progress I have made, and retorting back to my natural coping mechanisms. The kicker is with everything I have learned over the past while, I still don't know how to fix things. 

Honestly though, we are not asked to "fix" anything. I want so badly for things to work the way that I have concocted in my brain. I guess that's why I have just have to accept that I will fail constantly. I will not be able to accomplish everyday the way I have planned, nor will I be able to make the personal progress that I want each and everyday. 

I guess it's like I always tell my little brother, it doesn't matter how much you move upward, JUST MOVE! again, I can say that until I am blue in the face, but  no where near satisfied with myself and the small amounts of progress I make. Most of the time I feel that in my progress I am slipping backward. But the kicker is to just keep trying to move forward. Your best efforts to try have to be enough. 

Now right now I am feeling my broken parts more openly than I am comfortable with, but I'm hanging onto the small moments of peace that i am blessed to experience. I know that I am failing constantly, but I am trying. The most beautiful blessing is that, even though it's hard, when I open my pained heart I can feel the love of my savior. I know that he so often shakes his head at me, but he still blesses me far beyond what I deserve. I'm failing, but oh so blessed! 

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Letting go of control

I am an extremely controlling person. Not in a malicious and hurtful way (I don't think) but I try really hard to control every aspect of my world in order to ensure that everyone in my world is happy. Now that seems insane, I know. That is an impossible task, but for so long it has encompassed my entire world! 

Lately, I have made a conscious effort to really focus on what I can control, which is very little. When I feel myself slipping into that nasty pit where I feel like everything that defines me is falling apart,I have tried to stop and ask myself where I have control. This small gesture has been so incredibly liberating! It has also helped me deal more Christlike in moments of pain. 

When you feel like your world is spirally out of control, take a moment to evaluate you. What can you control in the situation, that is where you should put your energy. If you truly apply this tool I know it will bring you so much peace! The nasty does not disappear, but it becomes so much more manageble. You will find so much power! 

Actually applying this tool is a constant effort for me right now, but I know it works! The other day I was faced with someone bringing up the pain of my past in a very comedic way. For a moment I was very hurt, because he was right, I was different than everyone else in the room because of past experiences that still causes me pain. In that moment I made a choice about my control. I could not control how he publicly brought attention to my past, but I could control how I viewed his intentions behind the comment. I could also control how I reacted publicly to his comment, and how I let it effect me. This was huge for weak little me! So, in that moment, I convinced myself that he did not intent to hurt me. I also chose to accept my past and confront it publicly, and let it go inside me. 

Now, I know that this sounds like common sense, but it has taken me a while to really realize. I'm sure I will fail to use this tool many times in my future, but right now it has been so amazing! I am so blessed! 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

"People DO really change"

So I have been through a mini journey lately. I was watching the movie frozen, which I love, and was a little thrown by one line in the troll song "cause people don't really change." This little line kinda threw me into a self worth downward spiral. Now, I understand what was meant with this line, but the gospel contradicts the simple interpretation of this line. 

The very next day I read the conference talk "what manner of men?" He talks a lot about how we can choose to make self improvement permanent. The Lord promises that the changes we make can be forever. We are not stuck, we are ever improving. This was so vital for me to remember. We should never define ourselves by our faults, but we do not have to "just live with them." In the above mentioned talk he tells a story about a man who offends many, and his response was "that's just the way I am" FALSE!  You can be what The Lord wants you to be, that's what he spends his day encouraging you to be! 

Now getting back to my frozen reference, the next line says "people make bad choices if they're sad, or scared, or stressed." (Tangent: so true. If we really knew the entire why behind the actions of others, or factored in all the emotions that effect how we act, things would be a lot better for everyone.) then the very next line says "throw a little love their way; true love brings out their best!" Again, TRUE! Now, true, the love of others does bring out our best, but even more powerful is the love of The Lord. He is the one who will inspire permanent change, and bring out your true best! A best that we cannot even fathom!

I love seeing this principle work miracles in my life, and the lives of those I care about. I'm still a lot of talk on this one, but I'm working on it!  Feeling blessed! 

Sunday, May 4, 2014

What upsets your ok?

So do you ever feel like nothing really terrible is going on, but your ok has been upset so things are a little rough. I know it's completely strange grammar to call this feeling an "ok" but that's all the best way i can explain how I'm feeling right now. The words peace, or balance came to mind, but they seem to deep in emotion or physical activity. When I say ok, I'm referring to the normal circumstances that you find yourself in that in some way defines your inner self assurance. Wellp, now that I've over explained myself let me tell you how I've discovered how vital my ok is to my emotional well being. 

My family is all traveling away for the summer (except for one brothe, and my amazing grandma) and it has completely thrown my ok out of whack! I have honestly bitten off the head of anything that attempted to speak to me this last week, and I finally broke down to my best friend today. I blamed it on the ever growing to do list, and my failure to be who others need me to be, but he saw right through it. I am really upset because my ok is going to be seriously messed with and my subconscious just doesn't know how to deal. Yes, those other things are stressfull, but as much as I try to put on my big girl face I am going to miss them SO MUCH! 

I'm convinced that we all have moments where we just need to be accepted completely, and loved unconditionally. That is my family. They are loud, childish, unorganized, and my favorite group of people in the whole world! Thinking about not being able to drive the short distance and be in their extremely comforting environment at a moments notice. I realize that most people do not have this amazing oppertunity, but now that it is flying across the nation, and to the other side of the world I am understanding how incredibly blessed I am.  It is also humbling to realize how much those who are staying near me mean to me. I am so blessed to be loved, and recognize fully that it is a direct expression from my Heavenly Father of how much he loves me by blessing me with these amazing people in my life, and allowing me to more fully appreciate that expression by completely throwing off my ok! 


Sunday, April 27, 2014

An undeserved outpouring of love

It was my birthday this week, and I was showered with love from my family and friends. The most tender gift I recieved was a bunch of birthday letters collected by my dear sweet sister! 

I opened the box, and sobbed! The reasons that I was so emotional may not be exactly why you think.  I have really been struggling with feeling self worth, so my reactions were pretty intense. 

First, I honestly do not believe that I am who I need to be to the people who wrote me these letters. I have been so intensely overwhelmed lately with this feeling of extreme inadequacy. I put so much of my self worth into my being ble to be there for the people I care about, but lately I have felt that I am constantly failing! Seeing those letters was somewhat hard because I don't feel that I am living up to their praise. 

Second, because I have been feeling these feelings I also saw this outpouring as a direct communication from my savior in response to my feelings. 

I feel incredibly blessed by having this, and many other extreme outpourings as I am one year older and wiser too. I also feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people who see me at my best. I am also humbled to have a father in heaven who wants me to be my best. So, thank you to all those who see me not as who I am, but who I strive to be. I feel so blessed. 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Where is your focus?

There have been two clear principles on my mind a lot this week. The first is pretty common sense, but I think it was good for me to realize. That is, everyone gets to the end of their rope. Everyone gets to that point where something in thier life is so pressing it takes over everything. It is sometimes hard to recognize when people are at this point because we are all pretty good at faking it, but it happens to everyone. 

The second principle is more dear to my heart, and something that I am very passionate about. I have recently had the opportunity to witness the joy, peace, hope, sorrow, and dispair that comes through the repentance process. There have been moments where I see the hand of The Lord completely taking over the hearts of others in a way that is so exciting, and i have also seen the struggle where satan tries to convince that you will never be what The Lord needs you to be. On this note, I think that  one of Santans most powerful tools in this process is that he places other doubting people around us that don't have faith in the lords work either. 

It is interesting for me to see the stark contrast of these two forces. One has the power to inspire service and self worth, while the other triggers introversion, and outside blame. Unfortunately, to become truly into what The Lord wants us to become we will be faced with both forces, the key element is where you put your focus. 

I have come to realize in my own life, and also in the lives of people I care about that your emotional and spiritual momentum will go where you put your focus. If you are focusing on the wats you fail, you will continue in that direction. If you focus in things that are going well, areas where you succeed then that is where you will move. Now I am not naive enough to think that everything will be butterflies and rainbows of you put your focus there, but if you are constantly trying to focus on the good then when the nasty comes it will have less power to drag you down to the end of your rope. 

This principe applies to how you view others, and your expectations of them. Just imagine how the world would change if we expected everyone to be their best selves? Imagine how inspired we all would be to meet those expectations. If we did our best to focus on the positive qualities of others, then we would be so much more able to love them. We would also be so much more happy to serve them. Honestly, the world would be a better place if we just shifted our focus more closely to how The Lord views his children. 

Now, we all know that I am not anywhere close to perfect at this principle! Although, I have been so blessed recently to witness amazing people that have set incredible examples of how The Lord can bless lives in such a positive way. The psie around me constantly teach me how to have the strength to be better. I am so blessed! 

Monday, February 24, 2014

LOVE DAY:Loving You!

Some of you who know me well know that I love Valentine's day! It honestly makes me giddy! This year I was blessed by the nuggets in my class, my dearest friend suprising me with servivce, and my adorable Daddy bringing me flowers. I also was completely filled with joy delivering flowers to people in my world who I care about, and basically just showing the people in my world I care about them. What a great opportunity!

I have had a thought for this blog post for a while now, but an experience in Sunday School really made me think I should make it happen. Lately I have been working on accepting myself for who I am, and who I am becoming. Now as much as I LOVE my last Love Day post, this year I am going to do things a little differently. Sorry kids, this is selfishly for me, but hopefully it may also inspire you to think about yourself differenly as well.

These are my rules (you can play too if you want.) First, no being humble. Just lay it all out there without fear of people's expectations. Two, the list has to be at least 25 items long. Dig deep, and appreciate you!

So here it is...Things I Love About ME!

1. I enjoy loving people!
2. I am pretty good at looking happy even when I hurt.
3. I can make conversation easily with people (as long as they don't intimidate me.)
4. I typically make people feel good about themselves.
5. I am obedient. This one is HUGE! I have realized even more how much of a blessing this is.
6. I enjoy simplicity.
7. I find joy walking around barefoot.
8. I am very devoted.
9. I am a child at heart.
10. I care deeply.
11. I am introspective.
12. I have pretty sweet hair.
13. Nature takes my breath away.
14. I find great joy in speaking about The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
15. I am not a picky eater. Food it for having fun!
16. I think I'm a pretty good hugger.
17. I love sincerely praying for people.
18. I am a good listener. (I used to be better. Good thing I can be there again!)
19. I think I sing really good in the shower, car, or when the music is really loud.
20. I am a hard worker.
21. One way I express myself is through thoughtful gifts.
22. I have a relationship with my savior that brings me joy.
23. I am a dork!
24. I enjoy praying for others.
25. I am trying to improve myself, and overcome my faults.

Well, there it is. I am having kinda a bad morning, but maybe that makes me finally finishing this post when I feel nasty all that more powerful. I hope and pray that your world is going as great as possible. Keep striving to love others, and love yourself as well.

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Focus on accomplishing the moment!

Oh my word! My head is so full of stuff I just don't know where to start! I guess it doest really matter since there are so few people that actually read, and it's mostly for me anyway, so here goes.

Most recently I have struggled dealing with my feelings of self worth more that I have in the past. I seemed to be making such great progress, but now I am doubting that progress because when I have my shortcomings brought to my attention the still seem to bring me to my knees the same way they have in the past. It hurst so much to have people I care about see through my face, and it hurts even more when they feel that because I walk about it, they can talk casually about it. But bottomline, it hurts. I hurt. I am so incredibly broken, and I have left a trail of brokeness. I recognize this, and am trying to fix it but how! I want to be so much more than I am right now, I want to just hide! The kicker is that I don't think I am alone it this! Again, I ask why can't we just assume that people are trying to do their best, and support eachother with compasion? I fully realize that I am not good at this, but I hope that I can. I hope and pray that if I have hurt you, or not showed you that I care in your time of need I am genuinly sorry.

This also brings me to my second question, how can I find an intrisic sense of self worth? I allow far too many people to have controll over how I feel about myself...why? YARG! Sorry for the vent, but it may be to if there are others out there feeling the same way, you are not alone. Please also know that it I can help in any way please give me a call!


Ok, now for the real post. I have been meaning to post about this for a while, and maybe talking about this in my moment of sad will make me more attached to the principle that meant so much to me.

My entire life I have been trained to "live in the moment" that is a great principle, but it never really stuck. Then the other day I was talking to my good friend and she was talking about really really only focusing on what you can controll in the moment. I really stuggle with this. I have a constant list of tasks for every day, and another list of "what if" questions flowing through my messy brain. This concept of just focusing on what I can controll in the here and now is very difficult for me.

The amazing thing is that it works! When I am mentally healthy this is amazing! Now, I am not saying the the future doesn't need to be planned for, but to just breathe and remain in there here and now is incredibly liberating! TRY IT!

Sunday, January 26, 2014

So Why Don't We Belive Him?

So this may be a day were I post is rapid secession. I have two principles rolling around in my mind that I want to share, so bare with me.  A short while ago I had a friend give me a token that have come to mean a great deal.  I think that it may, or may not have been intended to express something different from their end, but for me it has come to symbolize something that I have been working so hard to truly realize, and I hope that I can express what is in my heart.  

For a long while now I have struggled to find my own self-worth, and have gone to the wrong sources to find it.  I define myself so much by the opinions of others, then I scoff when I receive a compliment because I know what is in my heart/mind and it is no where near where I believe it should be. Here is where the principle comes in. If people tell you that you are some thing, and if The Lord confirms it doesn't that make it true? To the everyday person the answer is easily yes, but to many of us it is absolutely true in regards to others, but not to ourselves. 

Now, the past little while I have had two very similar experiences with this idea. I was talking to one of my dear friends explaining how I am constantly plagued with a sense of inadequacy, and failure. I also told me how The Lord has blessed me with incredible angels in my life who seem to think that I am somethings greater. She asked a very important questions:

So why don't you believe them?

Now, I started ranting about how I am so weak, and I never seem to accomplish all that I need to do. She stopped me and asked me again, So why don't you believe them? I was stumped. Then as I hold this precious token in  the palm of my hand. Given so sincerely by someone who has always seen me with such purity, whom I hold so dear to my heart.  It has come to represent to me that I can become who I want to be because not only do those closest to me see that within me, but more importantly so does my Savior. 

I am so grateful for those in my world who see me for who I want to be, and not for who I am. The seem to see me with such clarity, and the see the good. I am eternally grateful for all those who believe in me even when I don't see it myself. So I ask you the same question, that I am striving to answer myself, why don't you believe those people who see your goodness? More importatly, why don't you believe the goodness HE see's in you?

Sunday, January 12, 2014

A New Aspect of Trust

This week I have been thinking of a concept that I am still really trying to wrap my head around. It is something that I plan on spending a lifetime trying to completely implement, but am so excited to try! The concept is that of trust. Now, trust is a very difficult concept for me, and this aspect of trust is even harder to accept for stubborn old me.

For all my life I have been taught to trust in The Lord, which is a principle that I also do not fully apply, but lately a good friend of mine brought to my attention that we must also "trust in the way The Lord made us." Now think about this for a minute, if you are anything like me I am constantly getting down on myself because I am not yet where I want to be. I am awkward, slow, indecisive, impatient, and extremely frustrating! I get so irritated because I am not anywhere near where I want to be, and progress is SO slow. I so often want to be as charming, funny, or helpful as the people around me, but as hard as I try to be like some one else, I always come up short.

The crazy thing is that I will ALWAYS come up short because that is not me. It will never be me because I am not them.  As hard as it is for me to swallow, I'm not supposed to be just like them. The Lord made me the way I am on purpose. He knows that I am weak and that I struggle, but he still believes me worthy of so many blessing. He still loves me far more than I love myself. It is amazing!

So my new goal is that when I start to rag on myself I am going to think of a new way to perceive trust. To not only work on my ability to Trust in my beloved savior, but trust in the way He has created me. Trust that if He loves me, with all my flaws and frustrations, then I should as well. I have been incredibly blessed to learn so much from so many great people, and I continue to learn. The Lord has seen fit to bless this work in progress far more than I could fathom, and I'm working believing that I deserve it.