Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Not there yet, failing everyday, but trying

My brain has been a crazy mess lately. There are things on my plate that I just don't know how to deal with. I was texting my sweet mommy. In response I relplied with the title of this post. 

I am petrified of failing, but i do it daily. Lately I have been faced full force with one of my largest weaknesses. It hurts to feel myself uncontrollably forgetting every ounce of personal progress I have made, and retorting back to my natural coping mechanisms. The kicker is with everything I have learned over the past while, I still don't know how to fix things. 

Honestly though, we are not asked to "fix" anything. I want so badly for things to work the way that I have concocted in my brain. I guess that's why I have just have to accept that I will fail constantly. I will not be able to accomplish everyday the way I have planned, nor will I be able to make the personal progress that I want each and everyday. 

I guess it's like I always tell my little brother, it doesn't matter how much you move upward, JUST MOVE! again, I can say that until I am blue in the face, but  no where near satisfied with myself and the small amounts of progress I make. Most of the time I feel that in my progress I am slipping backward. But the kicker is to just keep trying to move forward. Your best efforts to try have to be enough. 

Now right now I am feeling my broken parts more openly than I am comfortable with, but I'm hanging onto the small moments of peace that i am blessed to experience. I know that I am failing constantly, but I am trying. The most beautiful blessing is that, even though it's hard, when I open my pained heart I can feel the love of my savior. I know that he so often shakes his head at me, but he still blesses me far beyond what I deserve. I'm failing, but oh so blessed!