There are SO many things that make me feel this way. They seem to press on me from every angle. I am no where near where I should be, and everyone seems to be passing me by. I say should because I have a very hard time figuring where I truely want to be.
I am so incredibly blessed. There are so many people that love that accept me for who I am. They know my faults, petty needs, and cowerdice, but love me anyways. Why? I have no Idea! I know that I frusterate some through my weaknesses, and I am so sorry that I am less then what they need me to be. I require so much patience. I try to focus on the wonderful facts, but it seems fake when the negative presses down so consistantly. My heart feels constricted, and I can't seem to break free.
Above everything else I am blessed. So though at this particular moment I am doing my best to be my best, going out of my way to find things that lift, trying to serve those I've failed, the happy face is on in full swing. I'm a firm believer that if you can fake it, then maybe some of the fake will slowely become real. If you are percieved at happy then people are more willing to let you serve them, serving usually brings true happiness. At the end of the day, you may still be broken, but at least you were able to spread a little joy through the mess. Maybe someday soon I will be able to say that I am truely happy, but today is not that day. Today the fact is that I will do my best to make tomorrow better than today, and I continue to be blessed to have this calming perspective.