It's okay not to be okay

It's interesting how things can completely open your eyes and stop you in your tracks. Recently my best friend, and man who holds my heart, was faced with a horrific tragedy. The aftermath of this tragedy has left me raw and feeling extremely useless. It was one of the most painful things I have had to face watching him go though the grieving process, while dealing with my own. 

It was extremely heartbreaking to see this giant of a man cower to the magnitude of the pain one moment, and push that aside to be what his family needed, and often times the support I needed in another. Even though it has now been 3 weeks since this life changing event, it is not over. The feelings of being ussesless was have not subsided. He is broken, his family is broken, and I don't know how to help them as they pick up the pieces. 

This has caused me to step back and think deeply about the principle of hope. The capstone of this tragedy was a lack of hope. It was a feeling of despair that could not be overcome. I also realized that we need to search for hope, because often it is not readily there. 

This realization has allowed me to see the unseen love that we all have behind us. There really are many more people than you think in your corner. There are many people that would do anything to help you find joy, because you have done this for them. The scope of your effect for good goes far beyond what you see, and that should foster hope. 

Second, sometimes things are just not okay, and that is okay. Things can get really nasty and you are not kidding the ones that love you by putting on a butterfly and rainbow face. I recognize that the "fake it tell you make it" principle is extremely helpful and necessary, but you have people abound you who love you deeply. They want to be there for you. Although, they may be completely lost as to how to fill that role. 

Lastly, there are unseen blessings everywhere when you look for them.  Joy and hope can be found even amid extreme  sadness. Sometimes you really need to look hard, but it's there. I've observed many moments of hope these past few weeks which have been incredible. That being said, even though these moments come, they do not completely fix the pain, and that is okay. 

Bottomline, many times recently I have felt like an invisible bystander watching the ones I love go through tremendous pain, but unable to do anything . This has been hard, but I'm grateful for the insights that it has blessed me with. I hope and pray that I can be the person that those I care about need. I plead daily that I can draw myself closer to that person. I feel blessed to be striving to help those around me feel the love of my savior. It is okay not to be okay, and search for hope.

 The wishbone has come to represent hope amid the nasty for me. It is broken with the understanding that it will bring joy as our wishes do come true... Eventually. 

Simple Words, That Change the World

I don't have a lot to say, but I wanted to post anyway.  This may be due to the fact that I have a student teacher and I am avoiding the little amount of work that I could be working on.

I'm not really in the mood to write about this, but here it goes. I've made a wonderful conclusion lately. I feel like this discovery could completely change the world! This may seen simple to everyone, but the practice has been lost. My revelation is this....

One of the most attractive qualities in a person is that they are willing to humble themselves to say thank you, and I'm sorry...the end.

Now these words are simple, but they hold so much great value. These words, when said sincerely, convey so much!

They let a person know; I see you. I see what you are doing for me. I see that this may have not been something that you wanted to do, or that came naturally, but you did it anyway. I recognize that you are thinking of me. I appreciate you. The act being thanked doesn't really matter as much as the sincerity behind the words. I have recognized lately how important those small words mean to me. I was contemplating the real reason behind why. It is because I serve and work just to receive some recognition, but I don't think that is it. I'm still wrestling why I think that being grateful to others holds so much value to me, but I struggle to put it down in words. I'll keep chewing on that question. All this being said, I have also come to realize that being appreciative also has a lot to do with your personal habits. Some people are great at this habit, while others are very terrible. I am working on recognizing that it is not as valuable to others as it is for me, but it's been a challenge. Bottom line, I feel that you can say a lot by just acknowledging those who are around you.

Saying I'm sorry is something that I have been accused of being too good at in the past. I can totally see where they are coming from. I am such a people pleaser that I feel sincerely guilty when I cannot please the people around me. It has become a true stumbling block of mine. On the other hand, there are times when I know that I have hurt someone and it is difficult for me to approach them. Sincerely apologizing puts you as a person in a very venerable place. It allows others to see that you are not perfect (news flash, they already know!) but seriously, it is difficult to admit to fault. While it may highlight a weakness, it also establishes a pattern of humility. A recognition that we are all working and striving to become better. It would be amazing if when confrontation arose that we could be willing to admit even some part of wrong and approach them person humbly. I think a lot of problems would be resolved a lot quicker.

What a wonderful world would it be if we were able to forget ourselves completely and recognize the incredible blessing that others are in our world, and to be humble enough to acknowledge when we have in someway hurt those precious blessings.  So be aware that most people are dealing with some type of crisis, everyone is doing the best they can with what they've got, and that we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father, who wants all his children to see the best in one another.

My breath of fresh air

I'm currently on a plane flying back from a visit with one of best friends and her husband. For some reason I have been very sensitive on this trip, maybe because it was so needed. In my "extensive travels" I have made a few observations I would like to share. 

Traveling allows you a great opportunity to observe people. Two observations stood out to me on this trip. First, there was the most darling old man sitting in front of us on the flight out. He was so darling about having coffee to dip his cookies in. I don't know why, but this made me smile so much! The second cute old man was in church on Sunday. I'm a mormon, and in our church members pass our weekly sacrament. This man fulfilled this sacred, but somewhat routine ordinance with such profound respect. He gently lowered the tray to the first person sitting on the pew, placing his other hand under the tray for support. This simple gesture warmed my heart. 

This coupled with the opportunity to basically just serve my sweet friend this entire trip was exactly what I needed! Lately I have been feeling so overwhelmed, and useless! Things are constantly out of my ability to fix, and constantly negative. I feel so grateful that I have had this blessing to just step back for a minute. 

So now as I fly over the beautiful San Francisco Bay I feel so loved. The amazing view outside my window sincerely takes my breath away. The lord loves me, andore importantly, loves those that I love. He will take care of all his children! I am so blessed!

He never moves

The other day I was chatting with my bishop, expressing how I feel more inadequate, and distant from my savior than I have ever felt in my life. He asked me the question "do you have the spirit of The Lord in your life?" I instantly answered YES! I was almost shocked to even consider that His spirit wouldn't be in my life. 

While my life is nowhere near where I want it to be, and I feel that The Lord is leaving me to my own devices when it  comes to revelation for myself, he has not left. I am distant because I am bitter and frustrated. I'm almost mad at the current mess I find myself in, with no clear solution or respite, but still, he has not left! 

Daily, I find myself blessed by small and simple things that let me know he loves me. People around, who realize that I am just doing my best, blessing me with love. Small acts of service that make me recognize he is aware of my needs, and amazing beauties all around me. 

I guess bottomline, I'm not completely happy right now, but only I can close the gap that I have created between me and my savior. He still loves me deeply, even though things are not where I want them to be, and I am not who I want me to be. Regardless, I am blessed. 

Not there yet, failing everyday, but trying

My brain has been a crazy mess lately. There are things on my plate that I just don't know how to deal with. I was texting my sweet mommy. In response I relplied with the title of this post. 

I am petrified of failing, but i do it daily. Lately I have been faced full force with one of my largest weaknesses. It hurts to feel myself uncontrollably forgetting every ounce of personal progress I have made, and retorting back to my natural coping mechanisms. The kicker is with everything I have learned over the past while, I still don't know how to fix things. 

Honestly though, we are not asked to "fix" anything. I want so badly for things to work the way that I have concocted in my brain. I guess that's why I have just have to accept that I will fail constantly. I will not be able to accomplish everyday the way I have planned, nor will I be able to make the personal progress that I want each and everyday. 

I guess it's like I always tell my little brother, it doesn't matter how much you move upward, JUST MOVE! again, I can say that until I am blue in the face, but  no where near satisfied with myself and the small amounts of progress I make. Most of the time I feel that in my progress I am slipping backward. But the kicker is to just keep trying to move forward. Your best efforts to try have to be enough. 

Now right now I am feeling my broken parts more openly than I am comfortable with, but I'm hanging onto the small moments of peace that i am blessed to experience. I know that I am failing constantly, but I am trying. The most beautiful blessing is that, even though it's hard, when I open my pained heart I can feel the love of my savior. I know that he so often shakes his head at me, but he still blesses me far beyond what I deserve. I'm failing, but oh so blessed! 

Letting go of control

I am an extremely controlling person. Not in a malicious and hurtful way (I don't think) but I try really hard to control every aspect of my world in order to ensure that everyone in my world is happy. Now that seems insane, I know. That is an impossible task, but for so long it has encompassed my entire world! 

Lately, I have made a conscious effort to really focus on what I can control, which is very little. When I feel myself slipping into that nasty pit where I feel like everything that defines me is falling apart,I have tried to stop and ask myself where I have control. This small gesture has been so incredibly liberating! It has also helped me deal more Christlike in moments of pain. 

When you feel like your world is spirally out of control, take a moment to evaluate you. What can you control in the situation, that is where you should put your energy. If you truly apply this tool I know it will bring you so much peace! The nasty does not disappear, but it becomes so much more manageble. You will find so much power! 

Actually applying this tool is a constant effort for me right now, but I know it works! The other day I was faced with someone bringing up the pain of my past in a very comedic way. For a moment I was very hurt, because he was right, I was different than everyone else in the room because of past experiences that still causes me pain. In that moment I made a choice about my control. I could not control how he publicly brought attention to my past, but I could control how I viewed his intentions behind the comment. I could also control how I reacted publicly to his comment, and how I let it effect me. This was huge for weak little me! So, in that moment, I convinced myself that he did not intent to hurt me. I also chose to accept my past and confront it publicly, and let it go inside me. 

Now, I know that this sounds like common sense, but it has taken me a while to really realize. I'm sure I will fail to use this tool many times in my future, but right now it has been so amazing! I am so blessed! 

"People DO really change"

So I have been through a mini journey lately. I was watching the movie frozen, which I love, and was a little thrown by one line in the troll song "cause people don't really change." This little line kinda threw me into a self worth downward spiral. Now, I understand what was meant with this line, but the gospel contradicts the simple interpretation of this line. 

The very next day I read the conference talk "what manner of men?" He talks a lot about how we can choose to make self improvement permanent. The Lord promises that the changes we make can be forever. We are not stuck, we are ever improving. This was so vital for me to remember. We should never define ourselves by our faults, but we do not have to "just live with them." In the above mentioned talk he tells a story about a man who offends many, and his response was "that's just the way I am" FALSE!  You can be what The Lord wants you to be, that's what he spends his day encouraging you to be! 

Now getting back to my frozen reference, the next line says "people make bad choices if they're sad, or scared, or stressed." (Tangent: so true. If we really knew the entire why behind the actions of others, or factored in all the emotions that effect how we act, things would be a lot better for everyone.) then the very next line says "throw a little love their way; true love brings out their best!" Again, TRUE! Now, true, the love of others does bring out our best, but even more powerful is the love of The Lord. He is the one who will inspire permanent change, and bring out your true best! A best that we cannot even fathom!

I love seeing this principle work miracles in my life, and the lives of those I care about. I'm still a lot of talk on this one, but I'm working on it!  Feeling blessed!