An undeserved outpouring of love

It was my birthday this week, and I was showered with love from my family and friends. The most tender gift I recieved was a bunch of birthday letters collected by my dear sweet sister! 

I opened the box, and sobbed! The reasons that I was so emotional may not be exactly why you think.  I have really been struggling with feeling self worth, so my reactions were pretty intense. 

First, I honestly do not believe that I am who I need to be to the people who wrote me these letters. I have been so intensely overwhelmed lately with this feeling of extreme inadequacy. I put so much of my self worth into my being ble to be there for the people I care about, but lately I have felt that I am constantly failing! Seeing those letters was somewhat hard because I don't feel that I am living up to their praise. 

Second, because I have been feeling these feelings I also saw this outpouring as a direct communication from my savior in response to my feelings. 

I feel incredibly blessed by having this, and many other extreme outpourings as I am one year older and wiser too. I also feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people who see me at my best. I am also humbled to have a father in heaven who wants me to be my best. So, thank you to all those who see me not as who I am, but who I strive to be. I feel so blessed. 

Where is your focus?

There have been two clear principles on my mind a lot this week. The first is pretty common sense, but I think it was good for me to realize. That is, everyone gets to the end of their rope. Everyone gets to that point where something in thier life is so pressing it takes over everything. It is sometimes hard to recognize when people are at this point because we are all pretty good at faking it, but it happens to everyone. 

The second principle is more dear to my heart, and something that I am very passionate about. I have recently had the opportunity to witness the joy, peace, hope, sorrow, and dispair that comes through the repentance process. There have been moments where I see the hand of The Lord completely taking over the hearts of others in a way that is so exciting, and i have also seen the struggle where satan tries to convince that you will never be what The Lord needs you to be. On this note, I think that  one of Santans most powerful tools in this process is that he places other doubting people around us that don't have faith in the lords work either. 

It is interesting for me to see the stark contrast of these two forces. One has the power to inspire service and self worth, while the other triggers introversion, and outside blame. Unfortunately, to become truly into what The Lord wants us to become we will be faced with both forces, the key element is where you put your focus. 

I have come to realize in my own life, and also in the lives of people I care about that your emotional and spiritual momentum will go where you put your focus. If you are focusing on the wats you fail, you will continue in that direction. If you focus in things that are going well, areas where you succeed then that is where you will move. Now I am not naive enough to think that everything will be butterflies and rainbows of you put your focus there, but if you are constantly trying to focus on the good then when the nasty comes it will have less power to drag you down to the end of your rope. 

This principe applies to how you view others, and your expectations of them. Just imagine how the world would change if we expected everyone to be their best selves? Imagine how inspired we all would be to meet those expectations. If we did our best to focus on the positive qualities of others, then we would be so much more able to love them. We would also be so much more happy to serve them. Honestly, the world would be a better place if we just shifted our focus more closely to how The Lord views his children. 

Now, we all know that I am not anywhere close to perfect at this principle! Although, I have been so blessed recently to witness amazing people that have set incredible examples of how The Lord can bless lives in such a positive way. The psie around me constantly teach me how to have the strength to be better. I am so blessed! 

LOVE DAY:Loving You!

Some of you who know me well know that I love Valentine's day! It honestly makes me giddy! This year I was blessed by the nuggets in my class, my dearest friend suprising me with servivce, and my adorable Daddy bringing me flowers. I also was completely filled with joy delivering flowers to people in my world who I care about, and basically just showing the people in my world I care about them. What a great opportunity!

I have had a thought for this blog post for a while now, but an experience in Sunday School really made me think I should make it happen. Lately I have been working on accepting myself for who I am, and who I am becoming. Now as much as I LOVE my last Love Day post, this year I am going to do things a little differently. Sorry kids, this is selfishly for me, but hopefully it may also inspire you to think about yourself differenly as well.

These are my rules (you can play too if you want.) First, no being humble. Just lay it all out there without fear of people's expectations. Two, the list has to be at least 25 items long. Dig deep, and appreciate you!

So here it is...Things I Love About ME!

1. I enjoy loving people!
2. I am pretty good at looking happy even when I hurt.
3. I can make conversation easily with people (as long as they don't intimidate me.)
4. I typically make people feel good about themselves.
5. I am obedient. This one is HUGE! I have realized even more how much of a blessing this is.
6. I enjoy simplicity.
7. I find joy walking around barefoot.
8. I am very devoted.
9. I am a child at heart.
10. I care deeply.
11. I am introspective.
12. I have pretty sweet hair.
13. Nature takes my breath away.
14. I find great joy in speaking about The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
15. I am not a picky eater. Food it for having fun!
16. I think I'm a pretty good hugger.
17. I love sincerely praying for people.
18. I am a good listener. (I used to be better. Good thing I can be there again!)
19. I think I sing really good in the shower, car, or when the music is really loud.
20. I am a hard worker.
21. One way I express myself is through thoughtful gifts.
22. I have a relationship with my savior that brings me joy.
23. I am a dork!
24. I enjoy praying for others.
25. I am trying to improve myself, and overcome my faults.

Well, there it is. I am having kinda a bad morning, but maybe that makes me finally finishing this post when I feel nasty all that more powerful. I hope and pray that your world is going as great as possible. Keep striving to love others, and love yourself as well.

"Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Focus on accomplishing the moment!

Oh my word! My head is so full of stuff I just don't know where to start! I guess it doest really matter since there are so few people that actually read, and it's mostly for me anyway, so here goes.

Most recently I have struggled dealing with my feelings of self worth more that I have in the past. I seemed to be making such great progress, but now I am doubting that progress because when I have my shortcomings brought to my attention the still seem to bring me to my knees the same way they have in the past. It hurst so much to have people I care about see through my face, and it hurts even more when they feel that because I walk about it, they can talk casually about it. But bottomline, it hurts. I hurt. I am so incredibly broken, and I have left a trail of brokeness. I recognize this, and am trying to fix it but how! I want to be so much more than I am right now, I want to just hide! The kicker is that I don't think I am alone it this! Again, I ask why can't we just assume that people are trying to do their best, and support eachother with compasion? I fully realize that I am not good at this, but I hope that I can. I hope and pray that if I have hurt you, or not showed you that I care in your time of need I am genuinly sorry.

This also brings me to my second question, how can I find an intrisic sense of self worth? I allow far too many people to have controll over how I feel about myself...why? YARG! Sorry for the vent, but it may be to if there are others out there feeling the same way, you are not alone. Please also know that it I can help in any way please give me a call!

THE REAL POST!

Ok, now for the real post. I have been meaning to post about this for a while, and maybe talking about this in my moment of sad will make me more attached to the principle that meant so much to me.

My entire life I have been trained to "live in the moment" that is a great principle, but it never really stuck. Then the other day I was talking to my good friend and she was talking about really really only focusing on what you can controll in the moment. I really stuggle with this. I have a constant list of tasks for every day, and another list of "what if" questions flowing through my messy brain. This concept of just focusing on what I can controll in the here and now is very difficult for me.

The amazing thing is that it works! When I am mentally healthy this is amazing! Now, I am not saying the the future doesn't need to be planned for, but to just breathe and remain in there here and now is incredibly liberating! TRY IT!

So Why Don't We Belive Him?

So this may be a day were I post is rapid secession. I have two principles rolling around in my mind that I want to share, so bare with me.  A short while ago I had a friend give me a token that have come to mean a great deal.  I think that it may, or may not have been intended to express something different from their end, but for me it has come to symbolize something that I have been working so hard to truly realize, and I hope that I can express what is in my heart.  

For a long while now I have struggled to find my own self-worth, and have gone to the wrong sources to find it.  I define myself so much by the opinions of others, then I scoff when I receive a compliment because I know what is in my heart/mind and it is no where near where I believe it should be. Here is where the principle comes in. If people tell you that you are some thing, and if The Lord confirms it doesn't that make it true? To the everyday person the answer is easily yes, but to many of us it is absolutely true in regards to others, but not to ourselves. 

Now, the past little while I have had two very similar experiences with this idea. I was talking to one of my dear friends explaining how I am constantly plagued with a sense of inadequacy, and failure. I also told me how The Lord has blessed me with incredible angels in my life who seem to think that I am somethings greater. She asked a very important questions:

So why don't you believe them?

Now, I started ranting about how I am so weak, and I never seem to accomplish all that I need to do. She stopped me and asked me again, So why don't you believe them? I was stumped. Then as I hold this precious token in  the palm of my hand. Given so sincerely by someone who has always seen me with such purity, whom I hold so dear to my heart.  It has come to represent to me that I can become who I want to be because not only do those closest to me see that within me, but more importantly so does my Savior. 

I am so grateful for those in my world who see me for who I want to be, and not for who I am. The seem to see me with such clarity, and the see the good. I am eternally grateful for all those who believe in me even when I don't see it myself. So I ask you the same question, that I am striving to answer myself, why don't you believe those people who see your goodness? More importatly, why don't you believe the goodness HE see's in you?

A New Aspect of Trust

This week I have been thinking of a concept that I am still really trying to wrap my head around. It is something that I plan on spending a lifetime trying to completely implement, but am so excited to try! The concept is that of trust. Now, trust is a very difficult concept for me, and this aspect of trust is even harder to accept for stubborn old me.

For all my life I have been taught to trust in The Lord, which is a principle that I also do not fully apply, but lately a good friend of mine brought to my attention that we must also "trust in the way The Lord made us." Now think about this for a minute, if you are anything like me I am constantly getting down on myself because I am not yet where I want to be. I am awkward, slow, indecisive, impatient, and extremely frustrating! I get so irritated because I am not anywhere near where I want to be, and progress is SO slow. I so often want to be as charming, funny, or helpful as the people around me, but as hard as I try to be like some one else, I always come up short.

The crazy thing is that I will ALWAYS come up short because that is not me. It will never be me because I am not them.  As hard as it is for me to swallow, I'm not supposed to be just like them. The Lord made me the way I am on purpose. He knows that I am weak and that I struggle, but he still believes me worthy of so many blessing. He still loves me far more than I love myself. It is amazing!

So my new goal is that when I start to rag on myself I am going to think of a new way to perceive trust. To not only work on my ability to Trust in my beloved savior, but trust in the way He has created me. Trust that if He loves me, with all my flaws and frustrations, then I should as well. I have been incredibly blessed to learn so much from so many great people, and I continue to learn. The Lord has seen fit to bless this work in progress far more than I could fathom, and I'm working believing that I deserve it.

Everybody's Got Something

Well kids, obviously I am avoiding work like the plague! So like it or not here comes another post. It has seemed after the excitement of Christmas was over the full weight of my nasty pressed on my heart. I became very lonely, even though I was surrounded by amazing people, and I was extremely sensitive to what I lack.  When I really think about it I want to just slap myself and say "snap out of it!" but that is hard sometimes. Often times I feel like the villain in Thor sucking up the dark matter with a giant syringe. I wish that I had one of those giant syringes that could suck the dark matter that is threatening to crush my heart!

I was talking to one of my favorite people the other day who really wants to have a baby, but is struggling to have that blessing. She said something like "It's always on my mind." I often feel like that! I beat myself all the time for skewing my focus on what I don't have, but have always wanted. It's a complex feeling, and I really don't know how to deal. The amazing thing is that I am slowly learning how to change my thinking.

This concept of suffering has really caused me to look inside, and outside myself.  I am now convinced that almost everyone is suffering in some way, big or small. It has been very therapeutic for me lately to try to guess what people are suffering with based on what little I know about them. It is one of my favorite games because it enables me to put thinks into perspective.

Honestly, so many people hide their nasty so well it makes me wonder sometimes. How amazing would it be if we could judge people not solely on their action, but on their motivations as well. We are all just trying to do the best we can with what we've got, and most of the time we see very little of what other people got.

Now, I have no idea what direction I'm going with this post. I guess I'm just feeling a little lonely and needed to vent a little to pull my head out of my heart...that's lame. So, I guess on this Holiday of parties and kissing (none of which I will be participating) I am going to make a resolution to stop focusing on what I lack, and just being there for others! I am extremely blessed, and have been even more blessed recently. The end!