An Unforeseen, and Sometimes Unwanted Blessing

I am in a terrible mood, so I shouldn't post, but I need to vent...again! Lately I have been in such a strange mood, probably due to multiple stresses that are going on in my world and the frail me not knowing quite how to deal. This mood is not new to me and it makes be feel so guilty in my needy-ness. To be completely honest, most of it stems from my lack of purpose at this point in my life. Those of you who know me well know that I derive most of my purpose by being needed by others, right now I do not feel needed on the level that I have come to rely upon, so I am left feeling empty. Now don't you fret, this feeling will not last long, I am not depressed or despairing, I'm just having a moment. 

This empty feeling has caused me to contemplate the true source of this feeling and the true reasons behind it.  In this reflection I have realized that it is a divine blessing. Not that The Lord ever wants us to be sad, but He does allow us to feel a certain way if it will propel us to reach our full level of greatness. Let me attempt to explain. This feeling if empty comes from not having someone to fill that role, I am happy, but something, no someone is missing.  I have been so incredibly bless to have had the opportunity to learn and grow from amazing people who, for a time partially filled this void, but again I am left wanting.  But deep down I am so grateful for this feeling of wanting. In the past I have really struggled with truly hoping for the possibility of finding my person because I did not feel that it was a possibility for me.  Now through much tender nudges of the spirit, I am beginning to hope for what I, for a long time, deemed impossible for me. Yes, I still struggle, and yes, I have no idea how I will feel when the choice is staring me in the face, but I feel I have made progress.

With this being said I feel like there are a few things that I have had to come to terms with, being an older single adult in this culture. My life is not what I had planned, but here it is. I have had to accept that I have a career. I am “successful” in the eyes of many. I have had to learn how to be financial independent. These are just a few of the things I have had to accept, though I never planned to tackle alone. These same personal realizations have also become trials. I find myself becoming a little stuck in my ways and creating a false checklist in my mind of the perfect man who will fit nicely into this world I have independently created.  A couple general conferences ago one of the apostles warned the men about his possibility. At that time I scoffed and agreed, now I find myself having to be careful not to fall into that trap. 

In all honesty I HATE being single. It is a difficult balance between total independence and desperation, but I don’t do well flying solo.  Now, I recognize that marriage is not all butterflies and rainbows (well as much as I can realize from a distance.) Trust me, I still have some serious apprehensions, but overall I am extremely excited... well I’m getting there. Recently I have had a few opportunities where I have had to make the “better” choice, (see previous post) when it comes to dating. When I saw this picture on facebook I almost cried because it is so true.  At times I just want someone to hold me and tell me that they realize that I am having a tough time, but I don’t just want anyone. I want this person to be the person I want to spend eternity growing and learning.  I want someone to take care of, and I selfishly want them to desire my happiness as well. 

Overall I am at peace. I can feel The gentle guidance of the Lord everyday. Things are not what I planned, but they are good. I have been blessed with an understanding and what I believe to be a righteous longing to find my eternal best friend. The person who will be my best teammate to serve The Lord, and encourage me to reach my full potential.  This is a blessing that I have never realized before, but I am so grateful.  WOW… I am blessed.

I'm Moving to Australia

Well kids, as much as I love my world, sometimes I have times like my recent nasty when things are just not good. I can never imagine myself doing anything but teaching, but right now it really bites! Now, I am not a fan of posts like this, but I just need a little vent session. So here goes... things Miss Keyes HATES!

1. Double birthday days, double assembly weeks.
2. Inside days...the end!
3. "Miss Keyes, Miss Keyes, Miss Keyes, Miss Keyes..."
4. My performance being judged solely on how my students do on a test. Breaking down sobbing when one of my students don't do as well as I know they can.
5. The constant gossip and false judgements that fly around the school.
6. The residue the red markers leave on my white board
7. Never stopping work! If I am not working, I'm thinking about work. I feel like my to do list is constant and ever ominous.
8. Kiddos that poke me to get my attention. YARG!
9.  Being ornery and tired all the time.
10. Announcements that last a million years at the worst possible time!

Okay, so I started this post when I was having a very very hard week. Things were nastily for a bit, and while the spring is ending up to be insanely crazy (science fair, state testing, clear creek, 5th grade play, ect.) things are going good. I survived parent teacher and my huge observation... success! I feel so blessed to have to opportunity to work with amazing people and an incredible environment.  To make up for the venting here are a couple things that happened this week that make me LOVE being a teacher:

1. Sincere thanks from parents. Them telling me that there students are happy and enjoy school.
2. My funny co-workers making faces at me through my window as they walk their students to lunch.
3. My nuggets telling me that I should grow out my hair so I can catch a prince like Rapunzel.
4. A students writing that she is successful in 5th grade because of her "nice, smart, (and pretty) teacher."
5.  A lil kiddo getting so excited when he can teach the class a math concept...good times.

Courage

In the recent past I have thought a lot about what it means to be courageous.  This may be because I don’t consider my self a very courageous person. I have never been asked to show any great courage.  My religion his never been openly attacked, I have never been faced with saving some one’s life, or accomplishing some great feat.  From most people’s perspective my life has been pretty easy, and I agree.  As I say in every post, I am incredibly blessed! Today I wanted to vent a little about how much courage it takes to do what is best.  So often we focus on doing what is “right”, these choices are the black and white, yes and no, choices we make where a clear “right” is present. Often times a clear “right” is not present and we are faced to do what is “best”, these choices are easy and most likely require, effort, pain, and courage.

In those moments when you are faced with something that from every point of view is good and right, but then The Lord steps in and asks you to choose what is best is when true courage is tested.  Courage is honestly some area where I do not excel, but I try to be grateful for the gentleness of my Heavenly Father in those moments.  Even though those times completely knock me off my feet and leave me feeling empty, I am constantly amazed at the tenderness of my Savior.  I once heard someone say  “every choice requires a sacrifice.” I completely agree! When The Lord asks you to choose what is “best” often times those sacrifices are very difficult to make because you are choosing to give up something that is good and possibly very dear.  I am not going to lie, sometimes having to make these sacrifices have left me bitter, hopeless and without faith.  I question sometimes why I have been required to make these sacrifices because to me, these are such good, incredible things in my life, why should I need to give them up?  I do not have the answers to many of these questions. All I know is that I only see a small portion of the picture and I trust that I can just do my best with what I have been given, even though I am such a little wimp.

I guess this reflection has been triggered by a recent event in my family who has shown incredible courage. I am so proud of them!  Both people involved have shown amazing courage. One person had to act on a prompting and the other has to recognize that it was from The Lord and cope.  WOW! I am so grateful for the people that set such great examples for me. Also, for the moments and people that have helped me become who I am today. Yup… I am blessed!

My Second Homestead: Room 237

So looking at these pictures I realized I have a very boring/plain classroom.  It works for us! Please understand that I took these pictures during recess when my students were away (so the chairs wouldn't be stacked.) That is why it looks extremely lived in, and not at all clean. Cut us a break!

Those of you who know me know that Stargirl is my favorite book of all time! Hence I am forcing my kiddos to love it as well. We read it as a class then, they write small acts of service they see on the suns.  They are so darling and kind to each other... most of the time.

So, this doesn't look like much, but I am feeling pretty good about it!  I am a firm believer that part of the problem with child literacy is access to text.  Well, thanks in part to my great grandparents,  my dear friend, and a lot of garage sales, hopefully my students will not have that excuse!

This is my "space".  There is an invisible line that the students are not allowed to cross. I often times have students ask "Miss Keyes, can I go in your space?"  Notice the large amounts of post-it notes (there are usually more) this addiction was inspired by my wonderful mentor! My students are getting wise to my forgetfulness. They will tell me something that is important then ask "Do you want me to write you a sticky?" They are way too patient with me.

This is my one semi-cutesy thing in my room.  I adore the message in this book. At the beginning of the year we wrote down mountains we were going to move that year.  Thanks to my incredible mom who made this little reminder for my students of their amazing potential... ok I need reminding all the days as well. 

This is the extent of my bulletin boards. I am not artsy, so this is what we get. I am not a fan of large extensive changes each month, so I just switch the posters to match what we are currently studying. Yup, I am no nonsense boring...deal!

Well, I thought I took more/better pictures. I hope this is sufficient to those of who have requested pictures of where I spend 70% of my life, and 95% of my thoughts.  I feel so blessed to work in such an amazing environment, with such amazing students! Yup...I am blessed!

Miss Electricity, Mrs.Keyes, and Mom

So I have planned to post when I took so pictures. Well I took the pictures, but just realized I left the camera in my classroom. Be excited when I add them to the post later. Now to explain the title.


We rotate for science and I teach electricity. My co-worker said that one of her students couldn't remember my name so called me Miss Electricity. I love it! Speaking of co-workers, I have the best ones on the planet. They are so kind and patient with a little newb like me! I am exceptionally blessed to work with them. They not only provide me with a constant supply of copies, lesson idea, and direction, they also make me laugh all the time! We are very productive and effective, but also I find myself doubled over unable to breath I am laughing so hard all the time! This is so vital in the often times frustrating world of the 5th grade classroom. I am so blessed!


The second part of the title comes from one of my favorite stories. (p.s. if you know me at all you know better than to ask about my students because I could tell stories for hours about my darling little nuggets!) One of my students had to write my name on something and he came up to be completely bugged because he said it was easier for him to write and say "Mrs. Keyes" instead of "Miss Keyes." He told me that I needed to get married so that he could write and say the "Mrs" This started a conversation about how their third grade teacher was engaged in that very classroom and how they are convinced that it will happen the same for me this year. Not likely, but really cute regardless! To be honest, I do not love being single, but I have been very blessed to know that I am right where The Lord wants me to be right now. That is a great feeling.  I have also been blessed to have had to opportunity to get to know great guys in my dating adventures. Some more great than others, but I am still grateful for the opportunity to date. I know that this is a trial for many girls, so I am grateful. 


The last part of the title comes from the increasing occurrence of my students calling me mom. While they are so embarrassed, I love it! I am so thankful that I have the opportunity to be a small part of their small lives. It is a huge blessing that I am reminded of often.  The blessings of the past few months continue to pile up and I am completely overwhelmed.  The Lord knows each of us on such a personal level, it is great to look back and see how he is gently guiding me to where/who I need to be.  I am no where near who The Lord needs me to be, but I am grateful to be striving to move in that direction. WOW! I AM BLESSED!

GO RACOONS!

Well sportz fanz, for those of you who thought that i had dropped off the face of the planet, i kinda have. About the middle of June I got a job teaching 5th grade. YAY... yikes. Well I have spent every second possible since then preparing for the amazing 29 little guys that get to be in my care for 6 hrs every day. It is overwhelming at least. WOW.

For those of you who know me well you know that I am terrible with change, and that I need to have all my ducks in a row at all times. This challenge is not one that really allows for that very often. Most days I feel like i am just spinning my wheels, working as hard as possible, but going no where. It is extremely challenging. A challenge that most will never understand. Sometimes I wish that i could have a job were if they tell me I will be paid from 8:30-4:00 I actually stop working at 4:00, but realistically, I cant think of career I would rather be doing. Its amazing how blessed I have been through this entire process. I could tell you stories that would mean nothing to you about how deeply i have been blessed by the small simple things that show how much My Heavenly Father knows and loves me, but that would probably bore you.

It is funny cause all through my education they said that you would always feel guilty about your first year and i totally believe it. I feel like I am teaching my students nothing, and am no where near where i need to be, but they just keep showing up every morning anyway. They are such a good group of kids and i am so blessed to be their partial steward for a portion of the day. Just dont tell them that I really dont know anything (I'm getting really good at faking it!) That about sums up the newness of my life. I will try to post pictures of non-frooffy classroom in the near future. I think my camera may be on it's last leg. Sad day.

Playin' 5 Year Old with The Lil' Sis

I am convinced that I will never really stop being five years old. The even better part is that I have somehow been able to surround myself with a couple incredible people with the same awesome standing! one of these people is my fabulous little sister Sarah. She is so amazing! I don't know how, but she has this incredible ability to make any environment happy. She nullifies lame quarrels like a pro! I am inspired by her attitude and he deeply rooted love and desire to do right. She is such an incredible friend and example. WOW! Again I am blessed. 

 This past Sunday I went up to the padres house and we decided to play chalk (naturally, because we are 5.) It was so fun! we ended up playing for a while creating a collage of our favorite words. Of course we had to take pictures!