How would you like your eggs?

Well kids, I'm not so sure my purpose this week. I have so many thoughts running through my head, but no clear direction. So, welcome to a mess of the vomit that is my brain right now (sorry for the graphic visual.)

First off, to follow up from last post I was watching Runaway Bride, hence the title, with my sweet mom this week and once again was so baffled by how much me and Maggie Carpenter have in common. At one point in the movie she talks about how when she was walking towards her many groom's she was walking towards someone who had fallen in love with someone who had lived to meet their expectations, but had no idea who she really was. Sometimes I feel like that. Much of my self definition comes from my ablitly to be exactly what I believe people need me to be. This brings me so much joy, but it also brings me deep sorrow when I feel like I have failed. I have really struggled to figure out how I can set a more healthy expectation of myself. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The only thing that I have concluded it that I need to rely on the power and strength of my Savior. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy. I also know that when I rely on Him he will bestow me with power. I have also concluded that the only thing I can really control is my attitude. If I live a joyful life, then hopefully I will be in a position where I can be there for those I love, and where they feel comfortable relying on me. I don’t think my journey is anywhere close to over on this one, but I am so grateful to have little bites of progress as I strive to find the best me!

Who are you?

Who are you?
What/who defines you?

When you really stop to think about these questions, you may find yourself in a very frightening place. The more I look inside myself the more I realize that the true answers to these questions are fuzzy and convoluted.  Think past the what you are expected to say, think past what you want others to perceive of you, and really truly look inside yourself.

When you really do this you may get lost inside the abyss of the unknown. When you are faced with this emptiness you are given a choice, spiral downward, or fight to climb to find yourself.

The first step to finding yourself is finding your purpose. I'm convinced that there is never any absolutes, but stepping stones on your personal journey. That being said to find your purpose ask yourself these questions:

what drives you right now? 
What makes you want to be a better person?
When are you the most happy?

Recently I found my purpose for my right now, it was no easy task to discover my current driving force, but it has made me happier that I know I would have been without it. At times it has been hard to remember this drive. I have had to make up silly games to ensure that I don't let myself betray my purpose.  It is amazing how easily Satan can swallow you up in despair and grief if you don't have something to hold onto.

Now, please don't feel that this realization is a cure all for sadness. Even now, I find myself heartbroken for my own personal failures. I am so weak, and my weaknesses always tend to hurt those I care about most. I am, once again, climbing out of my destructive pit. The joy is I have a rope, that is my current purpose, to help me reach the top of my personal pit to help my find the top. I hope and pray that someday I will truly know who I am, and what I can accomplish, but for now I will feel grateful for the opportunity to have a small purpose where I can turn, and know... I CAN ACCOMPLISH THAT!

I hope and pray that this message finds someone who is in need. I realize that there is maybe on, or two of my family members who reads this blog occasionally, but my hope is that it will bring relief to someone...someday. When that day comes, please please don't dispair. If I can help you I would love to! Email me and I will be there for you. 

"Buy some furniture, and give the cat a name."

Last night I was watching the movie "Breakfast and Tiffany's" I love this movie (minus the a few semi-nasty parts) because it tells the story of a lost person who finds herself. Totally my cup of tea! In one scene of the movie she is talking about how the only time that she is truly happy is when she is at Tiffany's. She is constantly searching for a place, or situation that makes her continually feel that same elated joy that she feels surrounded by overpriced diamonds. She says when she find that place,

"I'll buy some furniture, and give the cat a name."

The whole principle is that she will allow herself to be satisfied and content only when she accomplishes this lofty dream. This is a mind set that I have found myself in for many years, and am still constantly trying to find a balance between hoping for the future, and being content with the present. 

Pres. Uchtorf of The LDS church describes this principle perfectly in his talk entitled "Forget-me-not"

"So many people today are waiting for their own golden ticket—the ticket that they believe holds the key to the happiness they have always dreamed about....There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings...The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event—our golden ticket—to appear."

So my dear friends I am striving to "be happy now" as Pres. Uchdorf recommends. I do not promise to be frustrated by my seemingly stagnate state, but I'm going to do my best. So don't you fret Holly Golightly, I bought some furniture, but I DO NOT want a cat. I am so grateful to be having these little nuggets of self-discovery. Man, I'm so blessed!!!

Lesson from Stargirl

            

Have you ever been so thoroughly inspired by something that it has changed you? That is how I feel about the book “Stargirl” by Jerry Spinelli. I read it to my class every year, and have probably read it 5ish times outside of teaching. Each time I read it I learn more about who I want to become. This book is so dear to my heart, please understand that it is not longer a children's book to me.  I would like to take this opportunity to share just a few lessons I have learned from this cherished book:

Lesson #1: Live the life that makes you happy

“In a moment she was out the door bounding across the desert. She skipped and whirled and catrwheeled among the prickly natives.” Pg. 149

Stargirl does not let the perceptions of others taint the joy she finds in life. I am inspired by her ability to throw the opinions of others to the wind and just live. The life she lives is so pure! Of course negativity affects her, but she doesn’t let it linger. She truly lives. I want to have the ability to live like her. To throw my shoes off, dance in the rain, skip through the parking lot, just enjoy the life I live.

Stargirl has a “happy wagon.” She put pebbles into the wagon when she is happy, and takes them out when she is sad. She is a real person, she does get sad, but amidst the sadness she still lives in a way that brings her the most joy.  Fundamentally I feel this is how living the Gospel of Christ effects my life. Yes, I do have moments, months, years of sadness, but if I’m living The Gospel there is an underlying amount of happy that can never be stifled.  

Lesson #2: Live outside yourself

“He was in pain… I didn’t think, I just did.” ~Stargirl

All throughout this book Stargirl lives to serve other people. She is constantly looking for people she can serve.  She consistently finds joy in the happiness of others. Never does she stop to consider how her service will benefit herself, or what others will think. She sincerely wants others to feel loved. This perception is the foundation of her being. She becomes a cheerleader and cheers for both teams because deep down seeing other’s joy and success should always be celebrated. What if we all had a perspective like Stargirl, more than a perspective, what if we had the courage to act? To see the little moments where we could smile a little more, send an encouraging word, drop off a cheerful gift, help a stranger, just be more aware of each other. Just as Stargirl says, we are all on the same team, so let’s have the courage to show a little support. We are all just trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got.

Lesson # 3: Take the time to see enchantment

“She faced the mountains, bathed in the sun syrup, her face as peaceful as I’ve ever seen a face… Clearly she had erased herself. She was gone. She was serenity.”Pg. 92

In the book Stargirl leads Leo into the middle of the desert to an area she calls her “enchanted place.” She then sits on the ground, clears her mind, and just breathes.  I am a stressor by trade.  My mind is constantly racing with my current to do list, surroundings, etc. It takes a lot of hard work for me to find peace. When I take the time to allow enchantment into my world and allow the peace that comes from utter stillness it is empowering!

Lesson # 4: Recognize the small joys of life

“ She was the Johnny Appleseed of loose change…

“Do you realize how much you must throw away in a year?”

“Did you ever see a kid’s face when he finds a penny on the sidewalk?” Pg. 117

            I will never look at change on the sidewalk the same ever again. There is a sense of serenity when we can find joy in the simplicity of life. So often I feel that the big, overpowering things that are out of our control, things that clutter our lives come in with such force that the only thing we can do to combat the insanity is find the small joys that constantly surround us at every turn. In the book there is one part where Stargirl tells Leo about headlines she would make up if she were in charge, no tales of drama or turmoil, she would report about an old man nodding off reading a newspaper on a park bench, a beautiful flower, ants carrying a large crum across the sidewalk. How wonderful to create the habit of appreciating the small and simple.  The Lord created this amazing planet for us, no other reason. I am often amazed at its beauty, and I try to see it as a testament of how much I am loved by My Lord. I am often equally amazed at how easily this style of thinking can be overthrown by the business of life.

            I wish that I could read this book to all of you. It has truly changed my life! I am so very far from who I want to be, and in turn, so far from the person My Lord need me to be but I know that one of the ways I can get a little closer is through living the lesson I have learned from Stargirl Caraway. I am so blessed to have her (yes, I know she isn’t real) influence in my life.

“ I think that everyone in a while someone comes along who is a little more primitive than the rest of us, a little closer to our beginnings, a little more in touch with the stuff we’re made of.” Pg. 171

           

        

I Want a Break from Me!

*Disclaimer: I wrote this post two weeks ago when I was in a very rotten place. I think I'm going to post again, but felt that for some reason this post was ment to be out in the universe. Sorry it's so negative.

Have you ever felt so frustrated with yourself you do anything possible not to spent time with you? That is my current predicament. Recently my weakness has been fully exposed. Unfortunately I am plagued with thoughts and feelings that create road blocks on my path and halt any movement. This leaves me empty and alone because these road blocks are so real, as much as I want them gone I don't see  a clear path to make this happen. Though the truly unfortunate thing is that I have effected others with my inability, and endangered their happiness. That brings me back to my original statement, I am done playing with me. I don't like me right now and it hurts. I am so annoyed with the person I am inside this happy facade that I can hardly endure any silence or calm moment in my life. This sounds silly, but I don't feel like I am the only one in this pit.

Now sadly I don't have some happy ending, or uplifting conclusion to my current heartbreak. Bottom line life hurts sometimes. I am happy to report that I did do something that I hope will allow me to let a little positive leak into my self-perception. I sat down and wrote a list of qualities that define "who I want to be..." then I wrote a list of goals that will hopefully enable me to get there. There is nothing grandious on my list, just general traits that I wish I had. These ambitions seem very far from my reach, but they are things that I could possibly fake until they become apart of me.  I have enjoyed the momentary solice when I somehow drag myself out of this self-deprecating pit and feel some sense that in a brief moment I was that person. It enables me to feel a little self-confidence when to be honest I am not happy with myself.

I'm so sorry if the 3 people that read this are in someway down trodden because of this post, but I feel that it is very important for us to realize that others fall too.  Now hopefully I will someday feel that this extremely flawed person can reach a point where she can live with herself, but today is not that day. Today I feel blessed to have a concrete concept of who I want to be. I hope and pray that as I move forward trying to become this person that I can bless the lives of others around me, and find true happiness that eludes me at this moment.

Ho...Hum...

I'm having a sad/bugged moment. Things just don't feel happy in my world right now, but I'm sure they'll get better. Sometimes I feel like doing my best just isnt enough for those who are around me. I really try not to let it get to me, but...it does. It does, and it hurts. 

There are SO many things that make me feel this way. They seem to press on me from every angle. I am no where near where I should be, and everyone seems to be passing me by. I say should because I have a very hard time figuring where I truely want to be. 

I am so incredibly blessed. There are so many people that love that accept me for who I am. They know my faults, petty needs, and cowerdice, but love me anyways. Why? I have no Idea! I know that I frusterate some through my weaknesses, and I am so sorry that I am less then what they need me to be. I require so much patience.  I try to focus on the wonderful facts, but it seems fake when the negative presses down so consistantly.  My heart feels constricted, and I can't seem to break free. 

Above everything else I am blessed. So though at this particular moment I am doing my best to be my best, going out of my way to find things that lift, trying to serve those I've failed, the happy face is on in full swing. I'm a firm believer that if you can fake it, then maybe some of the fake will slowely become real. If you are percieved at happy then people are more willing to let you serve them, serving usually brings true happiness. At the end of the day, you may still be broken, but at least you were able to spread a little joy through the mess. Maybe someday soon I will be able to say that I am truely happy, but today is not that day. Today the fact is that I will do my best to make tomorrow better than today, and I continue to be blessed to have this calming perspective. 

The Daisy Principle

Wow, It has been such a long time since I have posted, and there are so many things that I want to express. Sometimes I feel like this blog is my arena to be myself, and say everything that I want to say and have some one hear. A pure and productive vent that lifts me more than anything else. So please indulge me because this post will not be much different.

Since my last post a lot has happened. My dear sweet grandma broke her leg again. I ache for her everyday. She has been probably my biggest support, now I am at a loss to how I can strengthen her. While sitting in the hospital with her I saw so many little episodes of charity, pure love. My uncle was also diagnosed with severe cancer. A fact that, to be honest, I choose to ignore because it makes me so sad. I also started my second year of teaching. I feel inadequate each and every day, but I am grateful to still be learning so much. I was also called into the relief society presidency in my ward. Yes, I again am not adequate in any way!

Now let me get to the true point of this post. All of these things mentioned above pretty much happened at the same time.  All of a sudden I felt like The Lord was asking me play several different roles, all of which required 100 percent of myself.  It was not like any of these roles were bad, or not completely wanted, but in other circumstances I would have devoted myself completely to each one of these roles, giving everything, and leaving little extra. Now I was asked to juggle. I am NO good at juggling. I wore myself out trying to be everything to everyone, and became bitter and empty.  Please don't think me saintly in any way, that is NOT what I am trying to say. 

Amid all this turmoil of my heart, the first day of school happened. If you want a whirlwind of crazy, try starting a 9 month long marathon of stress with 30 10-year-olds. Good times! I was really struggling because I felt that there were so many other places I wanted to be and I knew once school started it would take up most of my time. So there I was, teaching my guts out when a familiar face popped in my door. I couldn't quite place her, but she handed me a beautiful orange daisy and left. I quickly set it on my desk, and continued whatever monologue I was giving. 

I later opened the card that read the simple words "I hope you are having a great first day!" It was from the most fantastic man in my life right now, but aside from the adorable gesture from someone I care so dearly about that daisy became a symbol of perspective. It reminded me that there was a positive side to every situation. (p.s. He had his cousin deliver the flower.)

Now I understand that the issues I am facing are nothing compared to most everyone else in the world, but the principle is true. I had a very real choice, focus on the negative and everything I was lacking, or focus on the good no matter how small.  Seeing that daisy on my desk each day reminded me to check myself, and realign my thoughts to what I should be dwelling upon. I should always be dwelling on how The Lord blesses me every day! He has put incredible people in my world who help me learn and grow. He has given me opportunities to serve those I love, and learn to love/serve others. He has given me a place to share my talents, even those talents I am currently working on gaining. He has given me the knowledge of His gospel and an adjoining testimony. Above all he has given me the atonement, which allows me to receive comfort and forgiveness for my shortcomings. I am so weak, and am constantly not living up to the roles that he has asked me to fulfill, but I think He knows I am trying and that is enough for Him. Now I am faced with the task of convincing myself of this, but I am working on it through applying the principle of the daisy. Focusing on the simple, but positive aspects of life that out way the negative if we let them.  I am so blessed.