Lesson from Stargirl

            

Have you ever been so thoroughly inspired by something that it has changed you? That is how I feel about the book “Stargirl” by Jerry Spinelli. I read it to my class every year, and have probably read it 5ish times outside of teaching. Each time I read it I learn more about who I want to become. This book is so dear to my heart, please understand that it is not longer a children's book to me.  I would like to take this opportunity to share just a few lessons I have learned from this cherished book:

Lesson #1: Live the life that makes you happy

“In a moment she was out the door bounding across the desert. She skipped and whirled and catrwheeled among the prickly natives.” Pg. 149

Stargirl does not let the perceptions of others taint the joy she finds in life. I am inspired by her ability to throw the opinions of others to the wind and just live. The life she lives is so pure! Of course negativity affects her, but she doesn’t let it linger. She truly lives. I want to have the ability to live like her. To throw my shoes off, dance in the rain, skip through the parking lot, just enjoy the life I live.

Stargirl has a “happy wagon.” She put pebbles into the wagon when she is happy, and takes them out when she is sad. She is a real person, she does get sad, but amidst the sadness she still lives in a way that brings her the most joy.  Fundamentally I feel this is how living the Gospel of Christ effects my life. Yes, I do have moments, months, years of sadness, but if I’m living The Gospel there is an underlying amount of happy that can never be stifled.  

Lesson #2: Live outside yourself

“He was in pain… I didn’t think, I just did.” ~Stargirl

All throughout this book Stargirl lives to serve other people. She is constantly looking for people she can serve.  She consistently finds joy in the happiness of others. Never does she stop to consider how her service will benefit herself, or what others will think. She sincerely wants others to feel loved. This perception is the foundation of her being. She becomes a cheerleader and cheers for both teams because deep down seeing other’s joy and success should always be celebrated. What if we all had a perspective like Stargirl, more than a perspective, what if we had the courage to act? To see the little moments where we could smile a little more, send an encouraging word, drop off a cheerful gift, help a stranger, just be more aware of each other. Just as Stargirl says, we are all on the same team, so let’s have the courage to show a little support. We are all just trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got.

Lesson # 3: Take the time to see enchantment

“She faced the mountains, bathed in the sun syrup, her face as peaceful as I’ve ever seen a face… Clearly she had erased herself. She was gone. She was serenity.”Pg. 92

In the book Stargirl leads Leo into the middle of the desert to an area she calls her “enchanted place.” She then sits on the ground, clears her mind, and just breathes.  I am a stressor by trade.  My mind is constantly racing with my current to do list, surroundings, etc. It takes a lot of hard work for me to find peace. When I take the time to allow enchantment into my world and allow the peace that comes from utter stillness it is empowering!

Lesson # 4: Recognize the small joys of life

“ She was the Johnny Appleseed of loose change…

“Do you realize how much you must throw away in a year?”

“Did you ever see a kid’s face when he finds a penny on the sidewalk?” Pg. 117

            I will never look at change on the sidewalk the same ever again. There is a sense of serenity when we can find joy in the simplicity of life. So often I feel that the big, overpowering things that are out of our control, things that clutter our lives come in with such force that the only thing we can do to combat the insanity is find the small joys that constantly surround us at every turn. In the book there is one part where Stargirl tells Leo about headlines she would make up if she were in charge, no tales of drama or turmoil, she would report about an old man nodding off reading a newspaper on a park bench, a beautiful flower, ants carrying a large crum across the sidewalk. How wonderful to create the habit of appreciating the small and simple.  The Lord created this amazing planet for us, no other reason. I am often amazed at its beauty, and I try to see it as a testament of how much I am loved by My Lord. I am often equally amazed at how easily this style of thinking can be overthrown by the business of life.

            I wish that I could read this book to all of you. It has truly changed my life! I am so very far from who I want to be, and in turn, so far from the person My Lord need me to be but I know that one of the ways I can get a little closer is through living the lesson I have learned from Stargirl Caraway. I am so blessed to have her (yes, I know she isn’t real) influence in my life.

“ I think that everyone in a while someone comes along who is a little more primitive than the rest of us, a little closer to our beginnings, a little more in touch with the stuff we’re made of.” Pg. 171

           

        

I Want a Break from Me!

*Disclaimer: I wrote this post two weeks ago when I was in a very rotten place. I think I'm going to post again, but felt that for some reason this post was ment to be out in the universe. Sorry it's so negative.

Have you ever felt so frustrated with yourself you do anything possible not to spent time with you? That is my current predicament. Recently my weakness has been fully exposed. Unfortunately I am plagued with thoughts and feelings that create road blocks on my path and halt any movement. This leaves me empty and alone because these road blocks are so real, as much as I want them gone I don't see  a clear path to make this happen. Though the truly unfortunate thing is that I have effected others with my inability, and endangered their happiness. That brings me back to my original statement, I am done playing with me. I don't like me right now and it hurts. I am so annoyed with the person I am inside this happy facade that I can hardly endure any silence or calm moment in my life. This sounds silly, but I don't feel like I am the only one in this pit.

Now sadly I don't have some happy ending, or uplifting conclusion to my current heartbreak. Bottom line life hurts sometimes. I am happy to report that I did do something that I hope will allow me to let a little positive leak into my self-perception. I sat down and wrote a list of qualities that define "who I want to be..." then I wrote a list of goals that will hopefully enable me to get there. There is nothing grandious on my list, just general traits that I wish I had. These ambitions seem very far from my reach, but they are things that I could possibly fake until they become apart of me.  I have enjoyed the momentary solice when I somehow drag myself out of this self-deprecating pit and feel some sense that in a brief moment I was that person. It enables me to feel a little self-confidence when to be honest I am not happy with myself.

I'm so sorry if the 3 people that read this are in someway down trodden because of this post, but I feel that it is very important for us to realize that others fall too.  Now hopefully I will someday feel that this extremely flawed person can reach a point where she can live with herself, but today is not that day. Today I feel blessed to have a concrete concept of who I want to be. I hope and pray that as I move forward trying to become this person that I can bless the lives of others around me, and find true happiness that eludes me at this moment.

Ho...Hum...

I'm having a sad/bugged moment. Things just don't feel happy in my world right now, but I'm sure they'll get better. Sometimes I feel like doing my best just isnt enough for those who are around me. I really try not to let it get to me, but...it does. It does, and it hurts. 

There are SO many things that make me feel this way. They seem to press on me from every angle. I am no where near where I should be, and everyone seems to be passing me by. I say should because I have a very hard time figuring where I truely want to be. 

I am so incredibly blessed. There are so many people that love that accept me for who I am. They know my faults, petty needs, and cowerdice, but love me anyways. Why? I have no Idea! I know that I frusterate some through my weaknesses, and I am so sorry that I am less then what they need me to be. I require so much patience.  I try to focus on the wonderful facts, but it seems fake when the negative presses down so consistantly.  My heart feels constricted, and I can't seem to break free. 

Above everything else I am blessed. So though at this particular moment I am doing my best to be my best, going out of my way to find things that lift, trying to serve those I've failed, the happy face is on in full swing. I'm a firm believer that if you can fake it, then maybe some of the fake will slowely become real. If you are percieved at happy then people are more willing to let you serve them, serving usually brings true happiness. At the end of the day, you may still be broken, but at least you were able to spread a little joy through the mess. Maybe someday soon I will be able to say that I am truely happy, but today is not that day. Today the fact is that I will do my best to make tomorrow better than today, and I continue to be blessed to have this calming perspective. 

The Daisy Principle

Wow, It has been such a long time since I have posted, and there are so many things that I want to express. Sometimes I feel like this blog is my arena to be myself, and say everything that I want to say and have some one hear. A pure and productive vent that lifts me more than anything else. So please indulge me because this post will not be much different.

Since my last post a lot has happened. My dear sweet grandma broke her leg again. I ache for her everyday. She has been probably my biggest support, now I am at a loss to how I can strengthen her. While sitting in the hospital with her I saw so many little episodes of charity, pure love. My uncle was also diagnosed with severe cancer. A fact that, to be honest, I choose to ignore because it makes me so sad. I also started my second year of teaching. I feel inadequate each and every day, but I am grateful to still be learning so much. I was also called into the relief society presidency in my ward. Yes, I again am not adequate in any way!

Now let me get to the true point of this post. All of these things mentioned above pretty much happened at the same time.  All of a sudden I felt like The Lord was asking me play several different roles, all of which required 100 percent of myself.  It was not like any of these roles were bad, or not completely wanted, but in other circumstances I would have devoted myself completely to each one of these roles, giving everything, and leaving little extra. Now I was asked to juggle. I am NO good at juggling. I wore myself out trying to be everything to everyone, and became bitter and empty.  Please don't think me saintly in any way, that is NOT what I am trying to say. 

Amid all this turmoil of my heart, the first day of school happened. If you want a whirlwind of crazy, try starting a 9 month long marathon of stress with 30 10-year-olds. Good times! I was really struggling because I felt that there were so many other places I wanted to be and I knew once school started it would take up most of my time. So there I was, teaching my guts out when a familiar face popped in my door. I couldn't quite place her, but she handed me a beautiful orange daisy and left. I quickly set it on my desk, and continued whatever monologue I was giving. 

I later opened the card that read the simple words "I hope you are having a great first day!" It was from the most fantastic man in my life right now, but aside from the adorable gesture from someone I care so dearly about that daisy became a symbol of perspective. It reminded me that there was a positive side to every situation. (p.s. He had his cousin deliver the flower.)

Now I understand that the issues I am facing are nothing compared to most everyone else in the world, but the principle is true. I had a very real choice, focus on the negative and everything I was lacking, or focus on the good no matter how small.  Seeing that daisy on my desk each day reminded me to check myself, and realign my thoughts to what I should be dwelling upon. I should always be dwelling on how The Lord blesses me every day! He has put incredible people in my world who help me learn and grow. He has given me opportunities to serve those I love, and learn to love/serve others. He has given me a place to share my talents, even those talents I am currently working on gaining. He has given me the knowledge of His gospel and an adjoining testimony. Above all he has given me the atonement, which allows me to receive comfort and forgiveness for my shortcomings. I am so weak, and am constantly not living up to the roles that he has asked me to fulfill, but I think He knows I am trying and that is enough for Him. Now I am faced with the task of convincing myself of this, but I am working on it through applying the principle of the daisy. Focusing on the simple, but positive aspects of life that out way the negative if we let them.  I am so blessed. 

Summer lovin....BLESSING!

Greetings from summer bliss land! I have really been enjoying the simplicity that comes from having a summer break. As you few readers have probably realized, I don't really post until I have something that I feel would be worthwhile to share. A lot has happened this summer, but nothing huge that I could center a post around. So here are just some of the ordinary miracles thus far this summer...

• My incredible besties. At the very begining of the summer I was able to spend a week with my best friend in Wisconsin. Yes, an odd place for a vacation, but it was so beautiful! The most miraculous thing of this trip was just being with my person. It was incredible to just spend time with her and soak up the comforting confidence that she has always given to me. I am so grateful for her. When I am with her, I am the puriest form of me possible. Stipped of all the pretences and false faces that we all put on for the world, I am just me. The surprising thing is that she accepts and loves me still. Amazing! I was also able to spend time with some other incredible friends, one who happens to be her husband, and his little brother. I adore those boys, especially the little brother. He has helped me face many insecurities and fears in his forward, but appreciated way. (Wow this is getting long and it the first one!) Last week I also got to see the other besties. I JUST LOVE THEM!!!! A couple of them are moving forward to grand new adventures in their lives and I couldnt be happier for them. It is amazing to see them take on the role of motherhod. They set such incredible examples for me. I am so grateful to have them in my life. I still stand by what I have said in the past. My greatest blessings that The Lord has placed in my life are my besties. I love them sincerely.
• I GOT A FULL CONTRACT! Now for those of you not in education this will not make much sense, but bottom line I get to teach on a new schedule, ongoing contract, and more pay! YIPEE! The coolest part of this is that I can easily see the hand of The Lord in how this all played out. I am a very timid person, who does not like change! I know that The Lord had my career (eww, I kinda hate calling teaching my career. See earlier posts.) ok my career all planned to work this way becaus He knew that I needed things "line upon line, precept upon precept." I needed to gradually ease into teaching in a way that made it more manageable for me. BLESSING! 
• Grandma: Having the summer off came at the perfect time. I have been able to help grandma as she transitions back to living indepenantly. It is such a blessing to be able to spend time with her. She is so amazingly sweet and SO strong. Let's just say that this is not a banner summer for her. Many things have come up that have caused her a lot of heartache. I am so amazed by her stalward optemism and strong spirit. I know she feels that i some how help her, but she helps me more than she could ever realize. I am inspired by her example, and lean on her so much for support. I love her so much! BLESSING!
• ...yup. This summer I have had the oppertunity to get to know an amazing man. He makes me laugh and provides so much support. It has been fun getting to know him better.  He is probably the most optemistic person I know. His confident, but humble nature is incredible. It still amazes me how he silently deals with challenges in the most christlike way, all the while constantly serving others. Our relationship is still SUPER young, but I am grateful for the lessons he continues to teach me, and the support he provides. He makes me smile... the end.

Well, I'm sure I will think of so many other miracles as the last few weeks come. I am so grateful for the oppertunity to share my thoughts and express my thanks somewhat publically for the incredible blessings that have come into my life recently. It is amazing how The Lord constantly watches over me and blesses me...ALWAYS! WOW...I am so blessed!

A Love Journey

About a month and a half ago I had a very innterresting experience with love. I was planning on blogging about it, but never got around to actually writing it down. I have no idea why this experience was so mind blowing to be, or why I feel the need to tell the 5 of you who actually look at my blog, but here goes.

It all started up and in Mantua where I was visiting my Mom's parents (yes, my grandparents.) I got a call from my other grandma's best friend in Orem telling me that my grandma had fallen and that the parametics were working on loading her into the ambulance. Now pause, if any of you know me well, you know that my grandma is not just my grandma, she is one of my best friends in the world! We hang out all the time and just that morning were planning a road trip together. This news of her falling was huge! I set the phone down and started bawling. I called the temple to put her name on the prayer role and could barely speak. At that moment I was completely helpless, and I hated it!

On the 100 mile drive to see her I didn't know what do to. I was hurting so badly and could do nothing, so did what I have done for 13 years now, I leaned on my people.  Within seconds I had texted my best friends, now scattered across the country to ask for their support and prayers.  Part of me felt stupid leaning on them for such a, what would seem to be, trivial matter,  but deep down I knew that they know me so well that they would do anything for me. As I recieved text back telling me that they had just then started praying, and expressing how much they loved me I couldn't contain my joy.  I can think of few blessings that have been as influencial to my life as these girls have been. I love them with all my heart, and regardless of where they are in their lives, I know they truely love me and I love them.

As I got to the hospital and saw my sweet grandma laying there scared, my heart was full. She is my biggest fan, and greatest support. I hugged her, kissed her, and held her hand as the nasty news kept coming.  I cannot express how much she means to me.  For some stupid reason she thinks that I take care of her... WRONG! She takes care of me in more ways than I will ever be able to repay. Seeing her there made me realize even more what an incredible blessing she is in my world. I need her! My love for her was fully realized and I am so grateful for the oppertunity to love her as I know very few grandaughters understand.

As we sat there waiting for news the doctor came in and told us about the sugery, and recovery. Amid the bad news I was blessed with a calming understanding that everything was going to be alright. This love from the ultimate source of love was undescribable. This reasuring prompting was mind blowing. I sat there, took a deep breath, and squeezed my grandma's hand.  In later conversation I was able to tell her about this feeling and it has carried us both through this long recovery, so far.  I am so grateful for the love that I feel from My Lord. I cannot express it here in words, so I wont even try, but that is the hugest blessing that I have in my life. I cannot imagine the despair that I would constantly feel if not for His tender love.

My last experience on this journy with love came from a very silly source. Before all this happened some of my favorite girlfiends had planned a night out. Because I basically lived at the hospital at this time I didn't know if I was going to make it. Then my crazy grandma wouldn't eat anything, so I made her a deal if she would eat some soup I brought her, I would go with my girlies to a movie. Silly yes, but it's how we roll. The movie we saw was a super sap called The Vow. It wasnt my favorite movie of all time, but it caused me to have another experience with love. As I watched this extremely devoted husband fight for the love he once had with his wife I longed for that depth of love in my life. This longing has been felt more and more lately and I am so grateful. I have struggled with truely desiring marriage in the past, but I am working on it. Through the tender care of a few extremely great men who have showed me what it feels like to be loved, I can now say that I am closer than I have ever been to deeply wanting that for eternity.

Now this may be the longest post, but it was a journey that I will never forget. To have all those experiences with love all in one week was exhausting, but purifying. I realized a lot about myself, and the relationships I have with those around me. It also caused me to realize, once again, how truely blessed I am to have these oppertunities.  Thank you for everyone who has been patient enough to love me.  I do not feel I deserve this incredible blesssing, but I am so incredibly grateful for the peace it brings to my heart.

Do you sparkle?

Many of the talks in the first session of The General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints were about being Christlike, and living the way HE would want you to live. That reminded me of a question I have had for a while. Not as much a questions, but a quest. Here it is....

Don't judge, but one of my favorite movies of all times is Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie! It is an amazing movie about self-discovery and finding joy. One of my favorite parts goes like this:

Mahoney: I'm stuck!
Mr. Magorium: To the floor?
Mahoney: No, as a person.

The rest of the dialog of this scene is amazingly insightful, but I will save you. (p.s. I tried to find a clip, but it's not out there.) Lately I have really related to Mahoney. I feel stuck as a person. She goes on to say that she mostly lives through the acomplishments of who she was in the past. Yes, I feel like that is me.  I was once completely satisfied with who I was.  Right now, I am stuck.  Scrapping to figure out how I can move forward to become that happily satisfied person I once was.  Later in the movie she see's a sign that says:

"Do you sparkle?"

I love this! Now, the sign is talking about your teeth, but I believe that everyone has the potential to sparkle (so does Mahoney,) to glow with joy and contetment. It does not mean that everything in life is butterflies and rainbows, we all know that rarely happens. But it means that dispite whatever is going on there is an underlying joy that cannot be deminished.  People are drawn to people who sparkle because they focus on the good. They find the SIMPLE joy all around them, and the happieness that comes from serving and making others happy. It does not take something spectacular to make people who sparkle happy, they FIND joy in everything...EVERYTHING! 

Now I have come full circle.  As I was pondering how to get my sparkle back during Conference it hit me, as it has before, that living a Christ centered life is the only way to sparkle. Pretty simple, and I have learned this lesson many times before, but there it is! I feel so incredible blessed to have the ultimate example of sparkle, and that is Jesus Christ.  I am so enthused to get out there and show the world that though I may be partially stuck, I can find the sparkle that I see in so many amazing people around me and become a better person. What an incredible blessing. Sorry kids, but I am the most blessed one!