Ho...Hum...

I'm having a sad/bugged moment. Things just don't feel happy in my world right now, but I'm sure they'll get better. Sometimes I feel like doing my best just isnt enough for those who are around me. I really try not to let it get to me, but...it does. It does, and it hurts. 

There are SO many things that make me feel this way. They seem to press on me from every angle. I am no where near where I should be, and everyone seems to be passing me by. I say should because I have a very hard time figuring where I truely want to be. 

I am so incredibly blessed. There are so many people that love that accept me for who I am. They know my faults, petty needs, and cowerdice, but love me anyways. Why? I have no Idea! I know that I frusterate some through my weaknesses, and I am so sorry that I am less then what they need me to be. I require so much patience.  I try to focus on the wonderful facts, but it seems fake when the negative presses down so consistantly.  My heart feels constricted, and I can't seem to break free. 

Above everything else I am blessed. So though at this particular moment I am doing my best to be my best, going out of my way to find things that lift, trying to serve those I've failed, the happy face is on in full swing. I'm a firm believer that if you can fake it, then maybe some of the fake will slowely become real. If you are percieved at happy then people are more willing to let you serve them, serving usually brings true happiness. At the end of the day, you may still be broken, but at least you were able to spread a little joy through the mess. Maybe someday soon I will be able to say that I am truely happy, but today is not that day. Today the fact is that I will do my best to make tomorrow better than today, and I continue to be blessed to have this calming perspective. 

The Daisy Principle

Wow, It has been such a long time since I have posted, and there are so many things that I want to express. Sometimes I feel like this blog is my arena to be myself, and say everything that I want to say and have some one hear. A pure and productive vent that lifts me more than anything else. So please indulge me because this post will not be much different.

Since my last post a lot has happened. My dear sweet grandma broke her leg again. I ache for her everyday. She has been probably my biggest support, now I am at a loss to how I can strengthen her. While sitting in the hospital with her I saw so many little episodes of charity, pure love. My uncle was also diagnosed with severe cancer. A fact that, to be honest, I choose to ignore because it makes me so sad. I also started my second year of teaching. I feel inadequate each and every day, but I am grateful to still be learning so much. I was also called into the relief society presidency in my ward. Yes, I again am not adequate in any way!

Now let me get to the true point of this post. All of these things mentioned above pretty much happened at the same time.  All of a sudden I felt like The Lord was asking me play several different roles, all of which required 100 percent of myself.  It was not like any of these roles were bad, or not completely wanted, but in other circumstances I would have devoted myself completely to each one of these roles, giving everything, and leaving little extra. Now I was asked to juggle. I am NO good at juggling. I wore myself out trying to be everything to everyone, and became bitter and empty.  Please don't think me saintly in any way, that is NOT what I am trying to say. 

Amid all this turmoil of my heart, the first day of school happened. If you want a whirlwind of crazy, try starting a 9 month long marathon of stress with 30 10-year-olds. Good times! I was really struggling because I felt that there were so many other places I wanted to be and I knew once school started it would take up most of my time. So there I was, teaching my guts out when a familiar face popped in my door. I couldn't quite place her, but she handed me a beautiful orange daisy and left. I quickly set it on my desk, and continued whatever monologue I was giving. 

I later opened the card that read the simple words "I hope you are having a great first day!" It was from the most fantastic man in my life right now, but aside from the adorable gesture from someone I care so dearly about that daisy became a symbol of perspective. It reminded me that there was a positive side to every situation. (p.s. He had his cousin deliver the flower.)

Now I understand that the issues I am facing are nothing compared to most everyone else in the world, but the principle is true. I had a very real choice, focus on the negative and everything I was lacking, or focus on the good no matter how small.  Seeing that daisy on my desk each day reminded me to check myself, and realign my thoughts to what I should be dwelling upon. I should always be dwelling on how The Lord blesses me every day! He has put incredible people in my world who help me learn and grow. He has given me opportunities to serve those I love, and learn to love/serve others. He has given me a place to share my talents, even those talents I am currently working on gaining. He has given me the knowledge of His gospel and an adjoining testimony. Above all he has given me the atonement, which allows me to receive comfort and forgiveness for my shortcomings. I am so weak, and am constantly not living up to the roles that he has asked me to fulfill, but I think He knows I am trying and that is enough for Him. Now I am faced with the task of convincing myself of this, but I am working on it through applying the principle of the daisy. Focusing on the simple, but positive aspects of life that out way the negative if we let them.  I am so blessed. 

Summer lovin....BLESSING!

Greetings from summer bliss land! I have really been enjoying the simplicity that comes from having a summer break. As you few readers have probably realized, I don't really post until I have something that I feel would be worthwhile to share. A lot has happened this summer, but nothing huge that I could center a post around. So here are just some of the ordinary miracles thus far this summer...

• My incredible besties. At the very begining of the summer I was able to spend a week with my best friend in Wisconsin. Yes, an odd place for a vacation, but it was so beautiful! The most miraculous thing of this trip was just being with my person. It was incredible to just spend time with her and soak up the comforting confidence that she has always given to me. I am so grateful for her. When I am with her, I am the puriest form of me possible. Stipped of all the pretences and false faces that we all put on for the world, I am just me. The surprising thing is that she accepts and loves me still. Amazing! I was also able to spend time with some other incredible friends, one who happens to be her husband, and his little brother. I adore those boys, especially the little brother. He has helped me face many insecurities and fears in his forward, but appreciated way. (Wow this is getting long and it the first one!) Last week I also got to see the other besties. I JUST LOVE THEM!!!! A couple of them are moving forward to grand new adventures in their lives and I couldnt be happier for them. It is amazing to see them take on the role of motherhod. They set such incredible examples for me. I am so grateful to have them in my life. I still stand by what I have said in the past. My greatest blessings that The Lord has placed in my life are my besties. I love them sincerely.
• I GOT A FULL CONTRACT! Now for those of you not in education this will not make much sense, but bottom line I get to teach on a new schedule, ongoing contract, and more pay! YIPEE! The coolest part of this is that I can easily see the hand of The Lord in how this all played out. I am a very timid person, who does not like change! I know that The Lord had my career (eww, I kinda hate calling teaching my career. See earlier posts.) ok my career all planned to work this way becaus He knew that I needed things "line upon line, precept upon precept." I needed to gradually ease into teaching in a way that made it more manageable for me. BLESSING! 
• Grandma: Having the summer off came at the perfect time. I have been able to help grandma as she transitions back to living indepenantly. It is such a blessing to be able to spend time with her. She is so amazingly sweet and SO strong. Let's just say that this is not a banner summer for her. Many things have come up that have caused her a lot of heartache. I am so amazed by her stalward optemism and strong spirit. I know she feels that i some how help her, but she helps me more than she could ever realize. I am inspired by her example, and lean on her so much for support. I love her so much! BLESSING!
• ...yup. This summer I have had the oppertunity to get to know an amazing man. He makes me laugh and provides so much support. It has been fun getting to know him better.  He is probably the most optemistic person I know. His confident, but humble nature is incredible. It still amazes me how he silently deals with challenges in the most christlike way, all the while constantly serving others. Our relationship is still SUPER young, but I am grateful for the lessons he continues to teach me, and the support he provides. He makes me smile... the end.

Well, I'm sure I will think of so many other miracles as the last few weeks come. I am so grateful for the oppertunity to share my thoughts and express my thanks somewhat publically for the incredible blessings that have come into my life recently. It is amazing how The Lord constantly watches over me and blesses me...ALWAYS! WOW...I am so blessed!

A Love Journey

About a month and a half ago I had a very innterresting experience with love. I was planning on blogging about it, but never got around to actually writing it down. I have no idea why this experience was so mind blowing to be, or why I feel the need to tell the 5 of you who actually look at my blog, but here goes.

It all started up and in Mantua where I was visiting my Mom's parents (yes, my grandparents.) I got a call from my other grandma's best friend in Orem telling me that my grandma had fallen and that the parametics were working on loading her into the ambulance. Now pause, if any of you know me well, you know that my grandma is not just my grandma, she is one of my best friends in the world! We hang out all the time and just that morning were planning a road trip together. This news of her falling was huge! I set the phone down and started bawling. I called the temple to put her name on the prayer role and could barely speak. At that moment I was completely helpless, and I hated it!

On the 100 mile drive to see her I didn't know what do to. I was hurting so badly and could do nothing, so did what I have done for 13 years now, I leaned on my people.  Within seconds I had texted my best friends, now scattered across the country to ask for their support and prayers.  Part of me felt stupid leaning on them for such a, what would seem to be, trivial matter,  but deep down I knew that they know me so well that they would do anything for me. As I recieved text back telling me that they had just then started praying, and expressing how much they loved me I couldn't contain my joy.  I can think of few blessings that have been as influencial to my life as these girls have been. I love them with all my heart, and regardless of where they are in their lives, I know they truely love me and I love them.

As I got to the hospital and saw my sweet grandma laying there scared, my heart was full. She is my biggest fan, and greatest support. I hugged her, kissed her, and held her hand as the nasty news kept coming.  I cannot express how much she means to me.  For some stupid reason she thinks that I take care of her... WRONG! She takes care of me in more ways than I will ever be able to repay. Seeing her there made me realize even more what an incredible blessing she is in my world. I need her! My love for her was fully realized and I am so grateful for the oppertunity to love her as I know very few grandaughters understand.

As we sat there waiting for news the doctor came in and told us about the sugery, and recovery. Amid the bad news I was blessed with a calming understanding that everything was going to be alright. This love from the ultimate source of love was undescribable. This reasuring prompting was mind blowing. I sat there, took a deep breath, and squeezed my grandma's hand.  In later conversation I was able to tell her about this feeling and it has carried us both through this long recovery, so far.  I am so grateful for the love that I feel from My Lord. I cannot express it here in words, so I wont even try, but that is the hugest blessing that I have in my life. I cannot imagine the despair that I would constantly feel if not for His tender love.

My last experience on this journy with love came from a very silly source. Before all this happened some of my favorite girlfiends had planned a night out. Because I basically lived at the hospital at this time I didn't know if I was going to make it. Then my crazy grandma wouldn't eat anything, so I made her a deal if she would eat some soup I brought her, I would go with my girlies to a movie. Silly yes, but it's how we roll. The movie we saw was a super sap called The Vow. It wasnt my favorite movie of all time, but it caused me to have another experience with love. As I watched this extremely devoted husband fight for the love he once had with his wife I longed for that depth of love in my life. This longing has been felt more and more lately and I am so grateful. I have struggled with truely desiring marriage in the past, but I am working on it. Through the tender care of a few extremely great men who have showed me what it feels like to be loved, I can now say that I am closer than I have ever been to deeply wanting that for eternity.

Now this may be the longest post, but it was a journey that I will never forget. To have all those experiences with love all in one week was exhausting, but purifying. I realized a lot about myself, and the relationships I have with those around me. It also caused me to realize, once again, how truely blessed I am to have these oppertunities.  Thank you for everyone who has been patient enough to love me.  I do not feel I deserve this incredible blesssing, but I am so incredibly grateful for the peace it brings to my heart.

Do you sparkle?

Many of the talks in the first session of The General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints were about being Christlike, and living the way HE would want you to live. That reminded me of a question I have had for a while. Not as much a questions, but a quest. Here it is....

Don't judge, but one of my favorite movies of all times is Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this movie! It is an amazing movie about self-discovery and finding joy. One of my favorite parts goes like this:

Mahoney: I'm stuck!
Mr. Magorium: To the floor?
Mahoney: No, as a person.

The rest of the dialog of this scene is amazingly insightful, but I will save you. (p.s. I tried to find a clip, but it's not out there.) Lately I have really related to Mahoney. I feel stuck as a person. She goes on to say that she mostly lives through the acomplishments of who she was in the past. Yes, I feel like that is me.  I was once completely satisfied with who I was.  Right now, I am stuck.  Scrapping to figure out how I can move forward to become that happily satisfied person I once was.  Later in the movie she see's a sign that says:

"Do you sparkle?"

I love this! Now, the sign is talking about your teeth, but I believe that everyone has the potential to sparkle (so does Mahoney,) to glow with joy and contetment. It does not mean that everything in life is butterflies and rainbows, we all know that rarely happens. But it means that dispite whatever is going on there is an underlying joy that cannot be deminished.  People are drawn to people who sparkle because they focus on the good. They find the SIMPLE joy all around them, and the happieness that comes from serving and making others happy. It does not take something spectacular to make people who sparkle happy, they FIND joy in everything...EVERYTHING! 

Now I have come full circle.  As I was pondering how to get my sparkle back during Conference it hit me, as it has before, that living a Christ centered life is the only way to sparkle. Pretty simple, and I have learned this lesson many times before, but there it is! I feel so incredible blessed to have the ultimate example of sparkle, and that is Jesus Christ.  I am so enthused to get out there and show the world that though I may be partially stuck, I can find the sparkle that I see in so many amazing people around me and become a better person. What an incredible blessing. Sorry kids, but I am the most blessed one!

The Post-It Miracle

This week has been an incredible reminder of what a incredibly blessed life I live. Here is my story...

At the begining of this week I was at the end of my rope. Everything in my life was so dark, and my happy was no where in sight. To be honest, there was nothing going on that should have left me that down, but the combination of everying was nasty and hopeless. I was completely overwhelmed and unable to dig myself out. Silly me, of course I couldnt dig out on my own! I drove home BAWLING, called my good friend and just choked back the tears.  I got to work on Tuesday and I had to put my head between my knees to stop from crying at work. I had been pleading with My Father to release the bonds that were strangling my heart, but I was still bound.

Feeling nasty Tuesday morning I voiced one last plea before my students arrived in a few hours. That is when the miracle post-it entered my life. I vowed then to not just look for the positive, but search for it. Searching requires intense action and detication. I grabbed a post-it and decided I was going to document what I found on my quest. Nothing really changed... but everything changed.

My co-worker came in to complain and give me some bad news. I wrote down "My co-worker is comfortable sharing with me." A student came in an hour and a half before school starts, she was not supposed to be there yet and I still had a ton to do before my students arrived. I wrote down "My students know I am here to help them." The morning continued this way. Things were still nasty, but my perspective had changed.  I kept this special miracle post-it stuck to the underside of my desk. I didn't have time to document anything else, but I was more aware.

I know that I did not change my mind set on my own, and I know it wont keep without some serious work.  The complete night and day change was incredible. It is another testiment to me how much The Lord really loves me, not only did he bless me in my hour of need, but he placed many people in my life that I know were praying for me.

Things continue to me far from ideal, but they are so great! I have been blessed with a renewed desire to be happy and to recognize just how blessed I really am. WOW!

"Fear Not"

I don't quite know how to start this post, but I feel like I have so much I want to share. I had a friend ask me what my blog was about the other day and I said...well since I don't really have someone special to express my random ponderings to, I throw them out there into cyber space and hopefully someone listens (and let's be honest, sometimes I just need to vent.) He seemed bored, as I'm sure all of you are, but I am grateful for the oppertunity to self-reflect.

This morning I read an email from my little brother (He is currentlyt serving an LDS mission in guatemala.) I had been telling him how hard work has been because I work so hard and sacrifce so much of myself, but still seem to fail A LOT! It was extremely heart breaking for me, leaving me feeling empty and worthless. He responded with some very wise council that I know comes from a little brother who is completely deticated to The Lord. He said something to the effect that The Lord only expects us to do our best. If we are working our hardest and doing our best, then if failure still comes then it probably be "for our good" in the long run. The Lord see's the full picture, and he knows the end. If we are trusting in Him and doing our best, then everything the happens can be seen as a quest to help us become who He wants us to be. That put a lot into perspective for me. Looking back on my life and the moments when I have failed, they have brought me closer to My Savior. They have required me to learn and grow in way that, though painful, have helped me draw nearer to My God.

This also caused me to contemplate my biggest fear...failure.  Most of my shortcomings stem from the deeply rooted and crippling fear.  I once had a very dear friend of mine tell me that ALL fear comes from satan, it is not a power of Heavenly Father. The Lord does not want us to fear, he wants us to have faith. Now, I understand that aprehension happens, but the crippling fear that keeps us from achieving all The Lord has in store for us, is not of God. I feel that this fear of mine has hindered my life for so long that it is difficult to give up. It is something that I cling to like a security blanket.  I hope and pray that I can use the principle taught by my little brother, through the spirit to break the chains of my fears.

In this crazy world failure is eminent, but through He has promised us He will not let us fail if we trust in Him. I am working on understanding this concept and applying it to my life. I know he watches over me, even when I feel like a complete failure. He's got things under controll, even when I can't see where he is taking me. I am excited to see where He will lead me and happy to try to learn from my failure, not let the fear of it cripple me. 

The picture shown is one of my all time favotites by Greg Olsen. I love it because at different times in my life seen myself as one child or the other. At times, I am safe and content in the arms of My Savior. At other times I am failing, struggling to know who I am and to find my happy, that is when The Savior reaches down and pulls me to safety.