So Why Don't We Belive Him?

So this may be a day were I post is rapid secession. I have two principles rolling around in my mind that I want to share, so bare with me.  A short while ago I had a friend give me a token that have come to mean a great deal.  I think that it may, or may not have been intended to express something different from their end, but for me it has come to symbolize something that I have been working so hard to truly realize, and I hope that I can express what is in my heart.  

For a long while now I have struggled to find my own self-worth, and have gone to the wrong sources to find it.  I define myself so much by the opinions of others, then I scoff when I receive a compliment because I know what is in my heart/mind and it is no where near where I believe it should be. Here is where the principle comes in. If people tell you that you are some thing, and if The Lord confirms it doesn't that make it true? To the everyday person the answer is easily yes, but to many of us it is absolutely true in regards to others, but not to ourselves. 

Now, the past little while I have had two very similar experiences with this idea. I was talking to one of my dear friends explaining how I am constantly plagued with a sense of inadequacy, and failure. I also told me how The Lord has blessed me with incredible angels in my life who seem to think that I am somethings greater. She asked a very important questions:

So why don't you believe them?

Now, I started ranting about how I am so weak, and I never seem to accomplish all that I need to do. She stopped me and asked me again, So why don't you believe them? I was stumped. Then as I hold this precious token in  the palm of my hand. Given so sincerely by someone who has always seen me with such purity, whom I hold so dear to my heart.  It has come to represent to me that I can become who I want to be because not only do those closest to me see that within me, but more importantly so does my Savior. 

I am so grateful for those in my world who see me for who I want to be, and not for who I am. The seem to see me with such clarity, and the see the good. I am eternally grateful for all those who believe in me even when I don't see it myself. So I ask you the same question, that I am striving to answer myself, why don't you believe those people who see your goodness? More importatly, why don't you believe the goodness HE see's in you?

A New Aspect of Trust

This week I have been thinking of a concept that I am still really trying to wrap my head around. It is something that I plan on spending a lifetime trying to completely implement, but am so excited to try! The concept is that of trust. Now, trust is a very difficult concept for me, and this aspect of trust is even harder to accept for stubborn old me.

For all my life I have been taught to trust in The Lord, which is a principle that I also do not fully apply, but lately a good friend of mine brought to my attention that we must also "trust in the way The Lord made us." Now think about this for a minute, if you are anything like me I am constantly getting down on myself because I am not yet where I want to be. I am awkward, slow, indecisive, impatient, and extremely frustrating! I get so irritated because I am not anywhere near where I want to be, and progress is SO slow. I so often want to be as charming, funny, or helpful as the people around me, but as hard as I try to be like some one else, I always come up short.

The crazy thing is that I will ALWAYS come up short because that is not me. It will never be me because I am not them.  As hard as it is for me to swallow, I'm not supposed to be just like them. The Lord made me the way I am on purpose. He knows that I am weak and that I struggle, but he still believes me worthy of so many blessing. He still loves me far more than I love myself. It is amazing!

So my new goal is that when I start to rag on myself I am going to think of a new way to perceive trust. To not only work on my ability to Trust in my beloved savior, but trust in the way He has created me. Trust that if He loves me, with all my flaws and frustrations, then I should as well. I have been incredibly blessed to learn so much from so many great people, and I continue to learn. The Lord has seen fit to bless this work in progress far more than I could fathom, and I'm working believing that I deserve it.

Everybody's Got Something

Well kids, obviously I am avoiding work like the plague! So like it or not here comes another post. It has seemed after the excitement of Christmas was over the full weight of my nasty pressed on my heart. I became very lonely, even though I was surrounded by amazing people, and I was extremely sensitive to what I lack.  When I really think about it I want to just slap myself and say "snap out of it!" but that is hard sometimes. Often times I feel like the villain in Thor sucking up the dark matter with a giant syringe. I wish that I had one of those giant syringes that could suck the dark matter that is threatening to crush my heart!

I was talking to one of my favorite people the other day who really wants to have a baby, but is struggling to have that blessing. She said something like "It's always on my mind." I often feel like that! I beat myself all the time for skewing my focus on what I don't have, but have always wanted. It's a complex feeling, and I really don't know how to deal. The amazing thing is that I am slowly learning how to change my thinking.

This concept of suffering has really caused me to look inside, and outside myself.  I am now convinced that almost everyone is suffering in some way, big or small. It has been very therapeutic for me lately to try to guess what people are suffering with based on what little I know about them. It is one of my favorite games because it enables me to put thinks into perspective.

Honestly, so many people hide their nasty so well it makes me wonder sometimes. How amazing would it be if we could judge people not solely on their action, but on their motivations as well. We are all just trying to do the best we can with what we've got, and most of the time we see very little of what other people got.

Now, I have no idea what direction I'm going with this post. I guess I'm just feeling a little lonely and needed to vent a little to pull my head out of my heart...that's lame. So, I guess on this Holiday of parties and kissing (none of which I will be participating) I am going to make a resolution to stop focusing on what I lack, and just being there for others! I am extremely blessed, and have been even more blessed recently. The end!

Keyes Family Christmas "-isms"

I have the best family in the entire world. You would think that as we all get older that Christmas around the house would get a little quieter...nope! I'm pretty sure that things just get louder and more crazy! So this is a post dedicated to the amazing "ism" of my family's Christmas....

1. Each year we go look at the lights in Spanish Fork, but we don't just look. We SCREAM our own personal commentary. I'm sure all of of Spanish Fork luuuvs it! "USA...USA... U...S...AAAAAA"

2. I don't think I have danced any harder in my life, than Christmas morning at my parent's house. Grandma is a fantastic audience as we shuffled, dubstepped, head banged, and of course... Adam Sandler Haunakah sing-along.

3. Opening presents is always a riot! I get really excited about giving gifts. It is SO fun for me! I am kinda known to insist that everyone be silent, and I sit right in front of the person who I'm giving the gift to. Gifts in my family are not always your typical "ah, I drew there name, lets wonder wal-mart until something works kinda gifts." Very often the gifts that are given are extremely thoughtful and personalized. It is amazing to watch the extreme love that is wrapped up into these monetary items. There were quite a few tears this year. I think I was the biggest baby of the group, there may be a future post about this.

4. My family are just a bunch of big kids! Me and my little brother (18) played with his crash remote control cars in the kitchen, I attempted to beat my mom's high score on fruit ninja, all the while eating coookie crisps and pickles!

5. We always end up watching a movie Christmas day. This year it was Despicable Me2, but no family movie is complete without my two cuddle buddies, sister one, and sister two. The other night they stayed up until 1:30 laying on my stomach, all the while the brothers were downstairs yelling at the xbox (which still refuses to make Sarah a sandwich...ruude!)

Ah! There are so many more things I could list, but no one would want to read them all. It seems like this Christmas I have been exposed to many people who are very alone on this family holiday. It has made me even more grateful for the incredible place of love and support that I have in these 8 people. I love them all! They have all taught me so much, and I really strive to be like them when I grow up. I know that The Lord has blessed me to have these sweet angels to help guide me through this life. Sorry kids, again I'm the most blessed one!

"Don't let them in, Don't let them see..."

So remember how I am a child at heart? Well I saw the movie "Frozen" last night and giggled through the entire thing!

There were many things things that touched my heart about this movie, but one in particular has been on my mind a lot. At one point in the movie one of the main characters is push to a point where she completely free's herself. She has lived her life up to this point shut up, hiding her true self, not allowing any one into her life. Then...BAM... she is free! I LOVE this moment! Her body language changes, she  holds her head high, and is truely empowered.

She goes on to sing an incredible song entitled "Let It Go." I have been thinking a lot about this concept of letting go, and it has always seemed so difficult.  Unfortunately there are a few things that I wish I could let go of, but it always seems easier said than done.

I have been pondering a lot about one aspect of letting go, and a combination of this movie, and a chat with a dear friend has opened my eyes to it's importance. I'm now convinced that the biggest thing holding us back from letting go is expectations. Think about all the expectations that are in your world. Expectations you put on yourself, expectations you have of others... expectations you have for your future. Now, while some of these expectations push us to be our best selves, most of the time they leave us feeling inadequate, or disappointed.

Consider living a life free of expectations for a moment. Instead of living constantly striving to live up to the expectations, and being disappointed when others don't live up to yours, live your life the very best you can at all times. If you are only striving to be your best self, than anything you are is enough cause it's your best. You are not overly concerned with what other's may expect you to be (or what you expect you to be.) The only thing you you are focused on, is living the best way you know how.

If you also live convinced that others are doing the same then the actions of others are always understood, even if they aren't what we may naturally expect. Then when someone does do something that kind, compassionate, of selfless you can see it with in all it's glory. You can celebrate, and find so much joy in the actions of others because it is not anticipated.

This is not an easy thing to achieve, and I plan to spend a lifetime working on it as part of my journey to become who I know The Lord wants me to be, but I'm so excited to work on it. I think that one of the most important things is to be aware of it. I am so grateful for the great joy that I find in these little nuggets of principle. I know that The Lord is helping me become more aware of who I need to be, and doable steps to get these. I am no where near where I need to be, but I've been so blessed in my journey.

How would you like your eggs?

Well kids, I'm not so sure my purpose this week. I have so many thoughts running through my head, but no clear direction. So, welcome to a mess of the vomit that is my brain right now (sorry for the graphic visual.)

First off, to follow up from last post I was watching Runaway Bride, hence the title, with my sweet mom this week and once again was so baffled by how much me and Maggie Carpenter have in common. At one point in the movie she talks about how when she was walking towards her many groom's she was walking towards someone who had fallen in love with someone who had lived to meet their expectations, but had no idea who she really was. Sometimes I feel like that. Much of my self definition comes from my ablitly to be exactly what I believe people need me to be. This brings me so much joy, but it also brings me deep sorrow when I feel like I have failed. I have really struggled to figure out how I can set a more healthy expectation of myself. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The only thing that I have concluded it that I need to rely on the power and strength of my Savior. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy. I also know that when I rely on Him he will bestow me with power. I have also concluded that the only thing I can really control is my attitude. If I live a joyful life, then hopefully I will be in a position where I can be there for those I love, and where they feel comfortable relying on me. I don’t think my journey is anywhere close to over on this one, but I am so grateful to have little bites of progress as I strive to find the best me!

Who are you?

Who are you?
What/who defines you?

When you really stop to think about these questions, you may find yourself in a very frightening place. The more I look inside myself the more I realize that the true answers to these questions are fuzzy and convoluted.  Think past the what you are expected to say, think past what you want others to perceive of you, and really truly look inside yourself.

When you really do this you may get lost inside the abyss of the unknown. When you are faced with this emptiness you are given a choice, spiral downward, or fight to climb to find yourself.

The first step to finding yourself is finding your purpose. I'm convinced that there is never any absolutes, but stepping stones on your personal journey. That being said to find your purpose ask yourself these questions:

what drives you right now? 
What makes you want to be a better person?
When are you the most happy?

Recently I found my purpose for my right now, it was no easy task to discover my current driving force, but it has made me happier that I know I would have been without it. At times it has been hard to remember this drive. I have had to make up silly games to ensure that I don't let myself betray my purpose.  It is amazing how easily Satan can swallow you up in despair and grief if you don't have something to hold onto.

Now, please don't feel that this realization is a cure all for sadness. Even now, I find myself heartbroken for my own personal failures. I am so weak, and my weaknesses always tend to hurt those I care about most. I am, once again, climbing out of my destructive pit. The joy is I have a rope, that is my current purpose, to help me reach the top of my personal pit to help my find the top. I hope and pray that someday I will truly know who I am, and what I can accomplish, but for now I will feel grateful for the opportunity to have a small purpose where I can turn, and know... I CAN ACCOMPLISH THAT!

I hope and pray that this message finds someone who is in need. I realize that there is maybe on, or two of my family members who reads this blog occasionally, but my hope is that it will bring relief to someone...someday. When that day comes, please please don't dispair. If I can help you I would love to! Email me and I will be there for you.