I am in a terrible mood, so I shouldn't post, but I need to vent...again! Lately I have been in such a strange mood, probably due to multiple stresses that are going on in my world and the frail me not knowing quite how to deal. This mood is not new to me and it makes be feel so guilty in my needy-ness. To be completely honest, most of it stems from my lack of purpose at this point in my life. Those of you who know me well know that I derive most of my purpose by being needed by others, right now I do not feel needed on the level that I have come to rely upon, so I am left feeling empty. Now don't you fret, this feeling will not last long, I am not depressed or despairing, I'm just having a moment.
This empty feeling has caused me to contemplate the true source of this feeling and the true reasons behind it. In this reflection I have realized that it is a divine blessing. Not that The Lord ever wants us to be sad, but He does allow us to feel a certain way if it will propel us to reach our full level of greatness. Let me attempt to explain. This feeling if empty comes from not having someone to fill that role, I am happy, but something, no someone is missing. I have been so incredibly bless to have had the opportunity to learn and grow from amazing people who, for a time partially filled this void, but again I am left wanting. But deep down I am so grateful for this feeling of wanting. In the past I have really struggled with truly hoping for the possibility of finding my person because I did not feel that it was a possibility for me. Now through much tender nudges of the spirit, I am beginning to hope for what I, for a long time, deemed impossible for me. Yes, I still struggle, and yes, I have no idea how I will feel when the choice is staring me in the face, but I feel I have made progress.
With this being said I feel like there are a few things that I have had to come to terms with, being an older single adult in this culture. My life is not what I had planned, but here it is. I have had to accept that I have a career. I am “successful” in the eyes of many. I have had to learn how to be financial independent. These are just a few of the things I have had to accept, though I never planned to tackle alone. These same personal realizations have also become trials. I find myself becoming a little stuck in my ways and creating a false checklist in my mind of the perfect man who will fit nicely into this world I have independently created. A couple general conferences ago one of the apostles warned the men about his possibility. At that time I scoffed and agreed, now I find myself having to be careful not to fall into that trap.
In all honesty I HATE being single. It is a difficult balance between total independence and desperation, but I don’t do well flying solo. Now, I recognize that marriage is not all butterflies and rainbows (well as much as I can realize from a distance.) Trust me, I still have some serious apprehensions, but overall I am extremely excited... well I’m getting there. Recently I have had a few opportunities where I have had to make the “better” choice, (see previous post) when it comes to dating. When I saw this picture on facebook I almost cried because it is so true. At times I just want someone to hold me and tell me that they realize that I am having a tough time, but I don’t just want anyone. I want this person to be the person I want to spend eternity growing and learning. I want someone to take care of, and I selfishly want them to desire my happiness as well.
Overall I am at peace. I can feel The gentle guidance of the Lord everyday. Things are not what I planned, but they are good. I have been blessed with an understanding and what I believe to be a righteous longing to find my eternal best friend. The person who will be my best teammate to serve The Lord, and encourage me to reach my full potential. This is a blessing that I have never realized before, but I am so grateful. WOW… I am blessed.
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