It was extremely heartbreaking to see this giant of a man cower to the magnitude of the pain one moment, and push that aside to be what his family needed, and often times the support I needed in another. Even though it has now been 3 weeks since this life changing event, it is not over. The feelings of being ussesless was have not subsided. He is broken, his family is broken, and I don't know how to help them as they pick up the pieces.
This has caused me to step back and think deeply about the principle of hope. The capstone of this tragedy was a lack of hope. It was a feeling of despair that could not be overcome. I also realized that we need to search for hope, because often it is not readily there.
This realization has allowed me to see the unseen love that we all have behind us. There really are many more people than you think in your corner. There are many people that would do anything to help you find joy, because you have done this for them. The scope of your effect for good goes far beyond what you see, and that should foster hope.
Second, sometimes things are just not okay, and that is okay. Things can get really nasty and you are not kidding the ones that love you by putting on a butterfly and rainbow face. I recognize that the "fake it tell you make it" principle is extremely helpful and necessary, but you have people abound you who love you deeply. They want to be there for you. Although, they may be completely lost as to how to fill that role.
Lastly, there are unseen blessings everywhere when you look for them. Joy and hope can be found even amid extreme sadness. Sometimes you really need to look hard, but it's there. I've observed many moments of hope these past few weeks which have been incredible. That being said, even though these moments come, they do not completely fix the pain, and that is okay.
Bottomline, many times recently I have felt like an invisible bystander watching the ones I love go through tremendous pain, but unable to do anything . This has been hard, but I'm grateful for the insights that it has blessed me with. I hope and pray that I can be the person that those I care about need. I plead daily that I can draw myself closer to that person. I feel blessed to be striving to help those around me feel the love of my savior. It is okay not to be okay, and search for hope.