"Fear Not"

I don't quite know how to start this post, but I feel like I have so much I want to share. I had a friend ask me what my blog was about the other day and I said...well since I don't really have someone special to express my random ponderings to, I throw them out there into cyber space and hopefully someone listens (and let's be honest, sometimes I just need to vent.) He seemed bored, as I'm sure all of you are, but I am grateful for the oppertunity to self-reflect.

This morning I read an email from my little brother (He is currentlyt serving an LDS mission in guatemala.) I had been telling him how hard work has been because I work so hard and sacrifce so much of myself, but still seem to fail A LOT! It was extremely heart breaking for me, leaving me feeling empty and worthless. He responded with some very wise council that I know comes from a little brother who is completely deticated to The Lord. He said something to the effect that The Lord only expects us to do our best. If we are working our hardest and doing our best, then if failure still comes then it probably be "for our good" in the long run. The Lord see's the full picture, and he knows the end. If we are trusting in Him and doing our best, then everything the happens can be seen as a quest to help us become who He wants us to be. That put a lot into perspective for me. Looking back on my life and the moments when I have failed, they have brought me closer to My Savior. They have required me to learn and grow in way that, though painful, have helped me draw nearer to My God.

This also caused me to contemplate my biggest fear...failure.  Most of my shortcomings stem from the deeply rooted and crippling fear.  I once had a very dear friend of mine tell me that ALL fear comes from satan, it is not a power of Heavenly Father. The Lord does not want us to fear, he wants us to have faith. Now, I understand that aprehension happens, but the crippling fear that keeps us from achieving all The Lord has in store for us, is not of God. I feel that this fear of mine has hindered my life for so long that it is difficult to give up. It is something that I cling to like a security blanket.  I hope and pray that I can use the principle taught by my little brother, through the spirit to break the chains of my fears.

In this crazy world failure is eminent, but through He has promised us He will not let us fail if we trust in Him. I am working on understanding this concept and applying it to my life. I know he watches over me, even when I feel like a complete failure. He's got things under controll, even when I can't see where he is taking me. I am excited to see where He will lead me and happy to try to learn from my failure, not let the fear of it cripple me. 

The picture shown is one of my all time favotites by Greg Olsen. I love it because at different times in my life seen myself as one child or the other. At times, I am safe and content in the arms of My Savior. At other times I am failing, struggling to know who I am and to find my happy, that is when The Savior reaches down and pulls me to safety. 

HAPPY LOVE DAY

I think that being around children who are still super pumped all the time makes me unable not to be excited as well. I am so excited to celebrate the people I love in my life on that special day. When making valentines with my fantastic roomies I started thinking about everything I love. For those of you crazy enough to endure my rantings, this is the list I came up with...

- Eating ice cream right out of the bucket.

-Brushing my teeth in the shower.

-Chocolate snack pack pudding cups!!!

-Those tender mercies that let me know my Heavenly Father loves me.

- A bubble bath while reading a good book and eating otter pops.

-Wishing on stars...but seriously.

-High School Musical dance parties with my BFF sister

-When my grandma tells me that everything is going to work out all right.

-My fuzzy star blanket and teddy bear

-Donut runs with my Dad.

-Giggling at chick-flicks

-Kissing someone who I know loves me, and loving him back (Granted, I don't have this in my life right now, but I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to experience that feeling.)

-Singing hymns at the top of my lungs on the top of my waterfall.

-The group of special angles I call my best friends who have helped me through so much and enabled me to become who I am today.

-The simple personal revelations that help me gain spiritual acuity.

-The ability to put names in the temple when I feel completely useless in so many situations.

-Being barefoot!!!!

-Leaning my head back and taking a deep breath

-Happy Flowers (aka gerbera daisies) Okay, maybe I just love receiving flowers.

-Playing with my Mom's hair (quite possibly the most comforting and supportive place on the planet.)

-Laughing my guts out with my co-workers.

-When my students succeed. (Or plan my future marriage...so funny!)

-Fueling our addiction (Downton Abbey and Kool-aide) with my amazing roomies.

-Recognizing the even though I am a stubborn reluctant servant of The Lord he still loves me enough to bless me daily in a way that I can see and understand.

WOW I AM SO BLESSED! Thank you to everyone I love or ever have loved. I am the person I am today because of you! HAPPY LOVE DAY!

An Unforeseen, and Sometimes Unwanted Blessing

I am in a terrible mood, so I shouldn't post, but I need to vent...again! Lately I have been in such a strange mood, probably due to multiple stresses that are going on in my world and the frail me not knowing quite how to deal. This mood is not new to me and it makes be feel so guilty in my needy-ness. To be completely honest, most of it stems from my lack of purpose at this point in my life. Those of you who know me well know that I derive most of my purpose by being needed by others, right now I do not feel needed on the level that I have come to rely upon, so I am left feeling empty. Now don't you fret, this feeling will not last long, I am not depressed or despairing, I'm just having a moment. 

This empty feeling has caused me to contemplate the true source of this feeling and the true reasons behind it.  In this reflection I have realized that it is a divine blessing. Not that The Lord ever wants us to be sad, but He does allow us to feel a certain way if it will propel us to reach our full level of greatness. Let me attempt to explain. This feeling if empty comes from not having someone to fill that role, I am happy, but something, no someone is missing.  I have been so incredibly bless to have had the opportunity to learn and grow from amazing people who, for a time partially filled this void, but again I am left wanting.  But deep down I am so grateful for this feeling of wanting. In the past I have really struggled with truly hoping for the possibility of finding my person because I did not feel that it was a possibility for me.  Now through much tender nudges of the spirit, I am beginning to hope for what I, for a long time, deemed impossible for me. Yes, I still struggle, and yes, I have no idea how I will feel when the choice is staring me in the face, but I feel I have made progress.

With this being said I feel like there are a few things that I have had to come to terms with, being an older single adult in this culture. My life is not what I had planned, but here it is. I have had to accept that I have a career. I am “successful” in the eyes of many. I have had to learn how to be financial independent. These are just a few of the things I have had to accept, though I never planned to tackle alone. These same personal realizations have also become trials. I find myself becoming a little stuck in my ways and creating a false checklist in my mind of the perfect man who will fit nicely into this world I have independently created.  A couple general conferences ago one of the apostles warned the men about his possibility. At that time I scoffed and agreed, now I find myself having to be careful not to fall into that trap. 

In all honesty I HATE being single. It is a difficult balance between total independence and desperation, but I don’t do well flying solo.  Now, I recognize that marriage is not all butterflies and rainbows (well as much as I can realize from a distance.) Trust me, I still have some serious apprehensions, but overall I am extremely excited... well I’m getting there. Recently I have had a few opportunities where I have had to make the “better” choice, (see previous post) when it comes to dating. When I saw this picture on facebook I almost cried because it is so true.  At times I just want someone to hold me and tell me that they realize that I am having a tough time, but I don’t just want anyone. I want this person to be the person I want to spend eternity growing and learning.  I want someone to take care of, and I selfishly want them to desire my happiness as well. 

Overall I am at peace. I can feel The gentle guidance of the Lord everyday. Things are not what I planned, but they are good. I have been blessed with an understanding and what I believe to be a righteous longing to find my eternal best friend. The person who will be my best teammate to serve The Lord, and encourage me to reach my full potential.  This is a blessing that I have never realized before, but I am so grateful.  WOW… I am blessed.