How would you like your eggs?

Well kids, I'm not so sure my purpose this week. I have so many thoughts running through my head, but no clear direction. So, welcome to a mess of the vomit that is my brain right now (sorry for the graphic visual.)

First off, to follow up from last post I was watching Runaway Bride, hence the title, with my sweet mom this week and once again was so baffled by how much me and Maggie Carpenter have in common. At one point in the movie she talks about how when she was walking towards her many groom's she was walking towards someone who had fallen in love with someone who had lived to meet their expectations, but had no idea who she really was. Sometimes I feel like that. Much of my self definition comes from my ablitly to be exactly what I believe people need me to be. This brings me so much joy, but it also brings me deep sorrow when I feel like I have failed. I have really struggled to figure out how I can set a more healthy expectation of myself. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

The only thing that I have concluded it that I need to rely on the power and strength of my Savior. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy. I also know that when I rely on Him he will bestow me with power. I have also concluded that the only thing I can really control is my attitude. If I live a joyful life, then hopefully I will be in a position where I can be there for those I love, and where they feel comfortable relying on me. I don’t think my journey is anywhere close to over on this one, but I am so grateful to have little bites of progress as I strive to find the best me!

Who are you?

Who are you?
What/who defines you?

When you really stop to think about these questions, you may find yourself in a very frightening place. The more I look inside myself the more I realize that the true answers to these questions are fuzzy and convoluted.  Think past the what you are expected to say, think past what you want others to perceive of you, and really truly look inside yourself.

When you really do this you may get lost inside the abyss of the unknown. When you are faced with this emptiness you are given a choice, spiral downward, or fight to climb to find yourself.

The first step to finding yourself is finding your purpose. I'm convinced that there is never any absolutes, but stepping stones on your personal journey. That being said to find your purpose ask yourself these questions:

what drives you right now? 
What makes you want to be a better person?
When are you the most happy?

Recently I found my purpose for my right now, it was no easy task to discover my current driving force, but it has made me happier that I know I would have been without it. At times it has been hard to remember this drive. I have had to make up silly games to ensure that I don't let myself betray my purpose.  It is amazing how easily Satan can swallow you up in despair and grief if you don't have something to hold onto.

Now, please don't feel that this realization is a cure all for sadness. Even now, I find myself heartbroken for my own personal failures. I am so weak, and my weaknesses always tend to hurt those I care about most. I am, once again, climbing out of my destructive pit. The joy is I have a rope, that is my current purpose, to help me reach the top of my personal pit to help my find the top. I hope and pray that someday I will truly know who I am, and what I can accomplish, but for now I will feel grateful for the opportunity to have a small purpose where I can turn, and know... I CAN ACCOMPLISH THAT!

I hope and pray that this message finds someone who is in need. I realize that there is maybe on, or two of my family members who reads this blog occasionally, but my hope is that it will bring relief to someone...someday. When that day comes, please please don't dispair. If I can help you I would love to! Email me and I will be there for you.