Have you ever felt so frustrated with yourself you do anything possible not to spent time with you? That is my current predicament. Recently my weakness has been fully exposed. Unfortunately I am plagued with thoughts and feelings that create road blocks on my path and halt any movement. This leaves me empty and alone because these road blocks are so real, as much as I want them gone I don't see a clear path to make this happen. Though the truly unfortunate thing is that I have effected others with my inability, and endangered their happiness. That brings me back to my original statement, I am done playing with me. I don't like me right now and it hurts. I am so annoyed with the person I am inside this happy facade that I can hardly endure any silence or calm moment in my life. This sounds silly, but I don't feel like I am the only one in this pit.
Now sadly I don't have some happy ending, or uplifting conclusion to my current heartbreak. Bottom line life hurts sometimes. I am happy to report that I did do something that I hope will allow me to let a little positive leak into my self-perception. I sat down and wrote a list of qualities that define "who I want to be..." then I wrote a list of goals that will hopefully enable me to get there. There is nothing grandious on my list, just general traits that I wish I had. These ambitions seem very far from my reach, but they are things that I could possibly fake until they become apart of me. I have enjoyed the momentary solice when I somehow drag myself out of this self-deprecating pit and feel some sense that in a brief moment I was that person. It enables me to feel a little self-confidence when to be honest I am not happy with myself.
I'm so sorry if the 3 people that read this are in someway down trodden because of this post, but I feel that it is very important for us to realize that others fall too. Now hopefully I will someday feel that this extremely flawed person can reach a point where she can live with herself, but today is not that day. Today I feel blessed to have a concrete concept of who I want to be. I hope and pray that as I move forward trying to become this person that I can bless the lives of others around me, and find true happiness that eludes me at this moment.
